Overcooked Sushi

Blog Update

2008-11-12T21:54:00.002-06:00

To make some things easier from an organizational standpoint, I'm moving my blog. I created this blog when I still used hotmail, so I log in using my hotmail sign on. Since then I've changed to gmail for my email and use that to post comments on other people's blogs. So it's a little annoying using hotmail to get into my own blog, but gmail for my email and posting on people's blogs.

I tried changing my blog's sign on address to the gmail one, but blogger (a Google product) would not let me use my gmail address (also a Google product) as the sign on. Silly and very irritating, I know. But, to make things easier on me, I'm changing my address. So, here it is:

http://overcookedsushi.blogspot.com/

Words to live by

2008-11-09T22:12:00.002-06:00

Never trust a fat doctor.
Never trust a skinny chef.

Never trust a preacher who wears a Rolex.
Never trust an investment broker who doesn't.

Never trust a public school teacher with a child in private school.

Never take a job if the boss calls back too soon.
Never take a job if the boss takes forever to call back.

Eat at places you've never heard of. As long as the street is well lit.

Read a book outside your normal genre.

Watch a chick flick once in a while.
Watch a guy movie once in a while.

Look a gift horse in the mouth.

Accept invitations that take you out of your comfort zone.

Watch something foreign (British counts).
Speak in a foreign accent around your friends (British still counts).

Ask a friend for advice on music and take it.

Wave to a child.
Wave to an older adult.

Get into contact with that friend you've been thinking about.

And just as a PS, Will said his first prayer today. After they blessed the sacrament at church, he kept his arms folded and his head bowed and was talking. I recognized his word for "Simba" from the Lion King, followed by "men", his way of saying amen. So his first prayer involved Simba. That's okay with me.

Memoriam: Michael Crichton

2008-11-06T20:57:00.003-06:00

Author Michael Crichton died November 4th at the age of 66. I guess with the election this went pretty unreported.

Michael Crichton had been one of my favorite authors growing up. When people would ask me what I liked I would usually say, "Well, there's Michael Crichton..."

My first introduction to his books came in high school when my English teacher, the wonderful Sara Crump, assigned Jurassic Park to us. From then on I was hooked.

It's unfortunate he went so early. Who knows what he would have come up with given another twenty years of writing.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled commercial

2008-11-06T19:05:00.004-06:00

Now that the election is over, all the political ads go away and we can get to commercialism as usual. And if you work nights like me, you get back to the lawyer/technical school commercials. Here's a few examples of my favorites (just pictures, not video, sadly):

Yes, if you're at home during the day, you must not have a job. Hey, the market's rough. That high school diploma just isn't going as far as you thought it would. What do you need? Training! And you know what, for $80,000 we can give you hands-on training. That's right! You actually get to touch the stuff you'll one day be working on. And once you finish your program you can go get a job earning minimum wage. That way you'll have the motivation to keep working forever!

And then we have the lawyers. These guys are Brown and Crouppen. Maybe you're at home because you were hurt. Maybe you got hurt somewhere, like at work. If so, we can sue the heck out of them and then you won't need to work again. Except with steep legal fees, you won't have any money. Then you'll need to go to ITT to get hands-on training. If you have a hand. If you lost your hand, then you can get hand-on training. Or foot-on, or something. Whatever.

I guess the thing these two industries have in common is they get a lot of money. From you. In the case of the technical schools, you don't even have to succeed. Just as long as you pay your bills. With the lawyers, well, sometimes they won't charge you if you lose. But if they win, you better hope they win big just to cover the legal fees.

So, hooray, end of political ad season. I'll see you in 12-18 months!

I can't be too disappointed

2008-11-04T23:04:00.002-06:00

I can't be too awfully disappointed about the election. Sure, my guy didn't win, but McCain only became my guy after about four guys in front of him lost. So, there you are. But now that the election is (probably) over, I'll voice the reasons I'm glad McCain didn't win.

He thought 'No Child Left Behind' was a good idea. Any teacher I've talked to (correct me if you disagree) says that program doesn't work. You focus more on standardized tests than on actual learning and punish schools with low schools. So all the education gets focused on passing one test at the end of the year instead of learning how to think, or you force states to lower testing standards. You allow no flexibility for the needs of the community. I think education decisions should be left to the state so they can decide what's best for them.
He came up with the immigration reform that failed. I'm glad it failed because it created a guest-worker program (aka, you come do our crap work and we send you home without so much as a thank you when you're done) without trying to secure the border first. He also agreed with amnesty, which is to allow illegal aliens to become citizens. I think there are a lot of people trying to enter our country from Mexico legally. Why should we reward the rule-breakers?
Tax hikes for businesses is a bad idea. The trickle-down theory works both ways. If you raise taxes on someone's employer, they'll either cut pay, cut benefits, or cut jobs. But I also hate seeing a lot of our jobs going overseas while Detroit and Ohio die. Instead, you should offer a tax cut to businesses that keep a certain percent of jobs in the US, while increasing taxes on those that don't. Motivation can be a good thing.
I am a conservative with some moderate tendencies. McCain was never a conservative, no matter what he said.
I think McCain would have been a weak president. I don't think he would stand up to his opponents. I think he would have been great on defense, but I don't think he had enough expertise or interest on domestic issues. Though I still liked his positions more than Obama's.

All of that said, Barack Obama will be our next president. And I will endure. I think the Republicans will keep enough votes in the Senate to protect checks and balances. I don't think Obama is evil, I merely disagree with his political philosophies.

And I will join the throng of Americans counting down Bush's time in office.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T16:52:00.002-05:00

Well, we made it again to my favorite holiday. And where am I? Work :(

But that's okay. When we started down this path of putting Emily through nursing school and getting out of debt, I knew it would be tough. I work five nights a week, including Saturday and Sunday. I miss most holidays, but it's worth the payoff. Within three years we'll be completely out of debt and able to choose our paths in life. We will start the traveling nurse program in 2010 and I can start taking online classes. By the time we settle two years after that I'll have the time and money to finish school and become a teacher. That will give me weekends, nights, and holidays off. I'll be able to spend time with my friends and family and I'll be able to devote more time to writing.

On the writing front, I'm over 10,000 words into my novel. Things are going well and I think I'm getting better at character development. The thing about being a "cyborg" writer is that, though I know where the story starts and ends, I end up coming up with a lot of neat side developments, too.

It seems our toilet is leaking from the water valve, not the drain. So that means the water leaking is just fresh water, and not toilet water. This may not seem like a big deal, but the quality of water dripping on you can make a big difference in the ick department. I went to Home Depot and actually was helped by someone intelligent. He said I should replace the one line going into the tank first before trying to replace the copper lines. If the water line higher up is leaking, it'll make everything else look wet too. And since we have water in the bathroom, maybe he's right. It wouldn't seem likely that several valves started leaking all at once. But we'll see. If it turns out that the copper lines are leaking I'll have to get help because I'm not smart enough to fix that.

Okay everyone, have fun this Halloween. Eat lots of candy and don't worry about the consequences because Halloween only comes one time of year. You have four weeks until Thanksgiving to work off the calories ;)

You're smarter than people think

2008-10-29T13:32:00.002-05:00

Election day is only six days for now. If you live in a swing state (like me) then you may have noticed that most commercials are for some sort of campaign. Ooh, boy. It seems that there are still a whole bunch of people who are undecided in this election. This seems funny to me because you have two very different candidates with two very different world views. But, unlike everyone else, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for.

I've seen celebrities out there trying to tell you that you should vote for their guy. I guess they think they're smarter than you and you should believe them.

There are commercials I've seen out there where candidates slam each other and one local election where the candidate is outright lying about her opponent.

One candidate will be on TV tonight spending half an hour telling you why you should vote for him.

You know what? These ads don't really matter. You basically have two kinds. The first is the "Look how great I am, vote for me", the other is the "Look at what a scumbag my opponent is, vote for me".

If you really want to know how the candidates stand, you need to do your own research. And you can probably do it pretty easily. In fact, I'm going to help you out.

Johnmccain.com is John McCain's official website.
Barackobama.com is Barack Obama's official website.
Factcheck.org is a site you can check what the candidates say compared to their record.
USAtoday.com has a neat game that asks you questions on issues and will match you to either Obama or McCain.

So if you're still debating who to vote for, you have six days to decide. Don't let people tell you they're smarter and you should do what they say. It's your vote and you have the right to exercise it.

The sun just came out

2008-10-27T13:20:00.002-05:00

I've had a bit of a rough week. Starting Thursday things started going wrong and a lot of stressors built up. I haven't been really happy. When I haven't been angry I've been depressed and vice versa. The good news is rather than be at each other's throats, Emily and I have gone through this together.

And after my doubt and fear, the sun has come out for us. Emily was offered a job at her old hospital and any fears we had over the weekend have been alleviated. Now all she has to do is focus on her last three months, pass her boards and the nursing exam.

Now all we have to do is try to remember that God does have a plan for us and that we should trust him.

Repentance

2008-10-26T15:31:00.002-05:00

It seems that religions are as widespread in their doctrines as political ideas. There are so many philosophies and theories out there. Take, for instance, repentance. There are those on one side, lets call them the Republichristians, that believe repentance should be hard, that there should be real punishment, and that the sin should follow you forever. Then there are the Demochristians who believe all you have to do is say one prayer and that you never have to worry about what you do ever again.

I'm more of a Moderachristian. I believe sin is real and wrong. But I also believe in repentance. When you've acknowledged your sins, felt real guilt, apologized to God (and anyone you may have wronged), asked for forgiveness, and tried to eliminate the incorrect behavior in your life, then that should be it. These things shouldn't come back to haunt you. If it's good enough for God, it should be good enough for everyone.

This is especially poignant in politics. When you try to run for a political office, your opponents will dig into your past as far as they can to find something that you may have done years ago to derail you. It doesn't matter how much you've done to overcome your wrong, that "sin" will stick.

Sometimes you see this even among the religious. Someone sins, they repent, but those around them can never forgive them for real or imagined wrongs. Didn't God tell us that it is required for us to forgive? Be careful of your judgements because with that same judgement you'll be judged?

I know that actions and words can't be taken back, but people change. And people make mistakes. And when we're looking to criticize, we should be looking at ourselves and asking if we've ever made a mistake. Like they say, those who live in glass houses should change in the basement. Or something.

Okay, that's all I've got. Except that I need to remind people that when they're saying a prayer in an English speaking congregation, they should do it in English. I'm sure it was a nice prayer, but I couldn't understand it. I still love you, but talk to me in English :)

Bother and Damn

2008-10-23T13:21:00.003-05:00

It seems every time one thing gets fixed in this house, another thing pops up. My step-dad came over and fixed the section of roof that was leaking into our bathroom. We got two inches of rain yesterday and not one drip into the bathroom.

So I go downstairs today to throw in some laundry and what do I see? A pool of water sitting on our washing machine. Where did this water come from? Well, considering the pipe that goes from the toilet and out of the house is wet, the floorboard the toilet is sitting on is soaked and turning green. So it looks like my toilet is leaking whenever we flush. Ew!

Yet another problem in the house that I'm not manly enough to fix (without making it much, much worse.)

Emily, can you call Dale and see if he'll look at it?

And we're out of body wash.

Things I've learned about making cookies

2008-10-22T14:13:00.003-05:00

I'm making cookies tonight, and as they're the one thing I cook well, I thought I'd share some tips:

Pull the cookies out when they're not quite done and let them cool on a wire rack. This will make them softer and gooier.
If you run out of eggs, you need to go get more. Just because corn syrup looks kind of like a raw egg, doesn't mean it will work the same. Trust me.
Always add at least four times the recommended quantity of chocolate chips.
Never touch Crisco with your bare hands. Unless you want water to bead on your hands when you wash.

That's what I've come up with. Feel free to share any others.

(And as a side note, I always use Kathryn's recipe)

Something I'm very passionate about

2008-10-21T21:57:00.003-05:00

In the charged climate our nation finds itself in, there are issues that place brother against sister, husband against wife, children against parent.

There are those that say we should just deal with it.

There are those who advocate compromise.

Some say it will save the world.

Others would sell their soul because of it.

Me? I say it's all a load of crap. What am I talking about? Exactly that. Crap.

Or, to be more specific, toilet paper. So, I was at church today, and I noticed that the toilet paper had an odd quality, one that I'm not very used to and one that I don't appreciate. What quality was this? Rigidity. I'm not entirely convinced that's a word, but spell check isn't underlining it, so it must be okay.

You see, a lot of public places stock sub-par products in their restrooms. The church is no exception. In fact, I think the church's toilet paper is some of the worst. Now, being the industrious little bees they are, they probably make their own toilet paper. They probably make it from wood grown in a forest they own. It's probably made from oak, one of the hardest and heaviest woods out there.

It reminds me of when I was growing up. My mother always bought the Scott Tissue. Scott Tissue is the cheapest store-bought paper out there. And it's almost as stiff as church paper. I remember wishing that we could get the softer variety, I remember seeing that Charmin was only ten cents more expensive for a four-pack. Why oh why did my mother insist on the sandpaper?

But I complain too much, for I am a man, and man must only use toilet paper once or twice a day. Women have to use it much more. Every. Single. Time.

So, my hat is off to women who endure so much with so little complaint. And I urge any men within the sound of this blog to buy the more expensive toilet paper. You'll have a happier wife.

Three of the longest years of our lives

2008-10-15T12:26:00.003-05:00

Today is our three year anniversary and I wonder how many people who knew both myself and Emily thought we'd actually make it together for this long. Given that we both have strong personalities, we do butt heads, but so far we've made it. And it's funny, because when we met, we didn't like each other.

Emily had lived in Kansas City while I was on my mission. Before I got back she had moved to Omaha to take care of her dad. She would come back from time to time to visit her friend Kathryn, who also became my friend. I remember the first time I met Emily. We didn't like each other. We were both in not-so-great times of our lives and weren't particularly endearing to each other. I remember Emily yelled at me and my friend Donald for being too loud after she had gone to bed. She was probably right. Donald and I aren't known for our subtlety.

A while after that Kathryn said she was going up to Omaha for Emily's birthday. She didn't want to have to drive up and back all in the same day so I agreed to go with her to share the driving. When I got there Emily gave me a kiss on the cheek and that was the first time I thought "Hey...maybe." She says she was giving everyone a kiss on the cheek, but I think I was the only one for whom she actually meant it ;)

Well, I nursed a small crush that ended up going away again. The months went by and we ended up in February of 2005. Kathryn had planned this big trip with all her friends to go to Nauvoo. I had just decided that the girl I liked at the time and had been hanging out with was never going to be the one for me and I started to look for someone else. Kathryn had mentioned that Emily was coming with us to Nauvoo and I started to get excited to see her again.

During this time I wasn't able to go to the temple and I almost backed out on the trip. I had committed to drive, though, and didn't want to leave my friends without a big car right before their trip. So we went to Nauvoo and before their temple session we were all in the LDS bookstore. Emily had mentioned she used to have this sort of spinner CTR ring (one piece of metal sits on a larger piece and you can spin the top piece around, kind of cool) that she had lost. I casually asked her what size her finger was (which she didn't pick up on) and while she was at the temple I bought that ring. I gave it to her that night and she was thrilled.

The next morning we had the Define The Relationship talk, mostly because we lived three hours from each other and that really is a long distance relationship. I told her that we'd just make it work. This was February 27, 2005.

Then, in April, we got tickets to go to Aida at the Kansas City Music Hall. We'd already bought the engagement/wedding ring and Emily was about to go on vacation to Kentucky to visit her family. She wanted to show off the ring so, after the show, in Kathryn's driveway, I proposed. I had all these other romantic plans, but none of them seemed to work out. In a way, since Kathryn was the one who got us together, I think it was appropriate to use her driveway.

Now, after three years, we're still together. We still fight, a lot. We yell, we curse, we say hurtful things, but somehow we get over it, like most couples. And though I don't believe in "the one" as in "the one person you're supposed to be with and if you miss them you're screwed for life"; I am glad it was Emily I ended up with. The kind of nerdiness we both have work for us. I don't have to try to be cooler. I can still enjoy the things I always have and so can she. I support her in her educational endeavers and she has encouraged my creativity.

These three years have been tough because we always seem to work opposite schedules. This works so we can take care of Will, but it's difficult because we don't get a lot of time together. I'm really looking forward to when we travel together so we can have all those experiences with each other. And so we can learn new definitions of ticking each other off ;)

Recession anyone?

2008-10-12T18:40:00.003-05:00

I know everyone is freaking out about the recession we seem to be going into, but it doesn't really bother me. I didn't have any money in the stock market, so I haven't lost anything. My home loan is fixed, so my payments won't go up. We have two cars, so we don't need new loans. My hospital has been responsible enough to be in a situation where they won't need to make cuts, so I won't lose my job or have my pay cut. Gas prices are down ($2.55 in Independence) which means I save money at the pump. Lower gas prices also means food prices may start to come down.

So it's possible the country is going into a recession, but I'm not too worried. It's part of the business cycle and very natural. By the time I'm ready to sell my house and start investing, it'll be up again. I don't have any less cash in my pocket.

So, have your recession if you feel you need to. I'm truly sorry if your retirement package has suffered, but ride it out and it'll be okay. If you planned to retire this year, that probably sucks. If you have a few years to go, you're probably okay.

I'm a cyborg

2008-10-09T21:38:00.002-05:00

I've heard several writers discuss the difference between organic and mechanical writing. Some people write in the mechanical way, which is to come up with a firm outline, draw out each chapter, know every plot point from beginning to end of story.

Then there's organic. You have a lose idea for what you want to have happen in your story and then you just write and see what happens.

My style, I've decided, is cyborg. I usually start off with the genre I want, then create the character I want to tell the story through. After that I start to piece together what I want to happen in the story, where I want to begin, and basically how I want to end. I create an outline once I get enough pieced together on scratch paper (I've gotten out of bed in the middle of the night when I've gotten a good idea) then start to fill it in as I can. Eventually I just start writing, letting the story and the characters fill in as I go.

So, the outline is the mechanical skeleton of the story, and the organic writing is the flesh. That makes me a cyborg. We'll see if it actually works.

Stupid things I do

2008-10-08T10:54:00.002-05:00

I've decided to start using my alarm clock again. I know you people out there who depend on the screeching, red-eyed, box of death will hate me for not having to use it everyday. My work schedule is that I go to work at 4:30 pm Monday, Thursday, and Friday, and at 2:30 pm on Saturday and Sunday. This means that the only day I have to use it is on Sunday so I get to church on time (12:30 pm). I started to use the clock because if I don't have to get up before noon, I won't. I really feels that wastes my day. So, I try to set the clock for about nine hours after I go to bed (so, in bed at 2 am means up by 11). I feel I can get more housework and writing done if I do that. And I feel better about the day.

I've been wearing my sleep mask for about five months and have gotten to the point where I keep it on most of the night. I've really noticed the difference. I have to admit that when I first got it, I'd wake so refreshed that I'd run a marathon everyday. Not so much. The difference between when I keep it on all night and when I take it off is this: when it doesn't stay on, I feel run down, weary, and exhausted all day. It's like I've already been up twelve hours. When it does stay on, I feel almost normal, or what normal should feel like. I feel happy and rested and able to do basic tasks, like walk around the house or make lunch.

Our Kansas City temple will be in the Shoal Creek area. For those who don't know, that's north of the Missouri (across from Jackson County) just west of Liberty. It's a nice little northland community right off the state highway. If I had to pick a good place for a temple that wouldn't freak out the Utah-Mormons, that's where I'd put it.

I watched the debate last night and thought it was interesting. I also thought it was silly that people are saying that John McCain lost. I felt that his answers were more heart felt and conversational, and that he spoke with passion. I felt Obama was stuttering and trying to come up with the right answer, not what he believed. The Experts Who Know said McCain lost because nothing happened to make Obama lok really bad, even though McCain was better on substance and style. The first debate was awarded to Obama too. The actual decision by the Experts Who Know was that it was a tie, but because Obama isn't as good on foreign policy, he won. What? If he's not as good on foreign policy, maybe he should lose by default. That's like saying two football teams play each other and end the game with a tie. Then the officials decide that one team wasn't as good, so they win because they weren't expected to do as well. That's not the way it works. But it's good we actually get to vote, and the Experts Who Know (who predicted both Al Gore and John Kerry to win) will have to eat their words.

We went to Half-Price Books last night before celebrating our anniversary at Cinzetti's and bought six new books. Yeah, we're addicted. But at least it's a healthy addiction.

Recant

2008-10-04T18:17:00.002-05:00

On one of Alison's blog posts a while back, I made this comment:

I'm telling you, if I had a temple close, I'd be there. It's one of the reasons
we're thinking about moving from Kansas City. It'll be the last metro area to
get a temple because if you put one anywhere near Independence people would
freak out.

Well, if you saw any of conference today, you'll notice that the KC, Mo metro area will be getting a temple. I don't know exactly where, as the KC metro area covers about the same geographical space (and number of random cities) as the Dallas/Ft Worth area. I know a lot of people will hear rumors that it will be at this place or that place, but the truth is there are probably few people who actually know, and the ones who do know, probably aren't talking (no offense D).

But my recant comes in the form that I figured we'd get our own temple about never. Well, either too many metropolitan areas in the US (some smaller than us) have gotten temples and we couldn't be passed over any longer. Or maybe we're faithful enough. I don't know. My one guess is that the temple won't be in Jackson County (because Utah-Mormons would freak). That's okay, because the metro area encompasses five counties.

Yeah, I'm pretty happy. We're getting a temple. We still plan on traveling for a few years, and likely enough we'll end up somewhere other than KC. I like KC well enough, I just feel like there's something better for me somewhere. Maybe it's just the "grass is greener" mentality, but it's the way I feel right now. But it's nice to know that if I do end up back in KC I'll have a temple nearby.

And last, I look forward to being in a situation where I can attend all of conference again. It's been a while. A Saturday-Sunday shift will do that to you. In a couple years that shouldn't be a problem again. Until then...

What I've been up to lately

2008-10-02T19:29:00.002-05:00

Just a general update on all things Matt.

I started writing a new novel a few weeks ago. I've written in spurts here and there and have gotten 5,000 words out. That's not bad, but a standard novel is 80-100,000 words. So I've got some time to go. It's interesting that when I work on one project, I start getting ideas for others. For example, I'm engrossed in this (to the point that I often am thinking about the characters as I'm trying to go to bed) but on the way to work I started thinking of the other book I wrote and ways to make it better. Hmm... At least I'll have something to do when I'm done with this project.

I've read a few books and can give comment.

I finished Flyte by Angie Sage last night. This is the second book in the Magyk series. The first book had the irritation of me feeling like I was being treated like an idiot by the author. This one I just felt the author was an idiot. She changes point of view several times in most scenes, she goes into detail about little tangent ideas that aren't vital to the plot, and she sometimes gets into the point of view of an animal or even an inanimate object. Her biggest offense is she just doesn't know how to write. She had a lot of different storylines building towards a climax, the climax hit, then she spent seventy pages building to a smaller climax. I'm sorry, but you need to climax then slide to the end. Another beef I have is that she commits the cardinal sin of fantasy writing, she has characters doing things just because That's the Way They're Done or when the Time is Right. And she is pretentious enough to capitzlize like that too. I really don't think I can read the other books in the series, even though I'm told they get better. Life's too short to read crappy books.

A much better book, perhaps the best book I've read this year, was Uglies, by Scott Westerfeld. The idea is there was some sort of apocalypse after which humanity decided that all problems in the world involve people being different. To correct this, everyone, at the age of sixteen, has an operation to turn you into a Pretty. Before that you are considered an Ugly. Everyone believes the idea that being Pretty is superior, and that everyone who isn't a Pretty really is ugly. This is until the main character meets a girl who doesn't want to get the operation. She learns of an outcast society that lives outside the city and refuses to get the operation. The main character is forced to follow and learns the truth about the society and what becoming a Pretty really does to you. Uglies really reminded me of Stephenie Meyer's The Host, at least in tone. Uglies is the first book in a trilogy.

And last of all is The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan. The idea here is that the Greek gods are still around and living in NYC. Most of the children of these gods attend Camp Half-blood each summer, and some are powerful enough to attract the attention of a lot of monsters and are forced to remain at the camp all year. At the camp, each Greek god has their own cabin and you live with the other children that god has produced with mortals. The big three gods, Zeus, Hades, and Poseiden all made a pact not to have any more children because they all end up too powerful and end up causing world wars. Our hero, Percy Jackson, learns he's the son of Poseiden and then is accused of stealing Zeus' lightning bolt. The Lightning Thief is a really good book that resembles Harry Potter in tone but very unique in plot.

And just a blog note, I may be changing my blog address. I set this blog up when I had hotmail. Now I've changed to gmail and blogger won't let me change to my gmail address. So when I comment on your blogs I do so with my gmail account so I can receive follow up comments on my gmail account. So, if I change addresses, I'll put up a post with the address.

My latest obsession

2008-09-30T19:49:00.002-05:00

Amazon started selling this ugly little device a while back called the Kindle. It's an e-reader, basically an electronic book. This isn't a new concept, it's just a concept that's largely failed. People don't like reading books on computers or computer like devices. They hurt the eyes.

Well, I've done some obsessive research on the Kindle and it turns out that it doesn't use a traditional computer screen where pixels turn different colors to create an image. Instead, it uses electrified pigments that are basically ink, which can be arranged to create an image that looks just like a page in a book. There's no backlight, so it's easier on your eyes, and you can read in the sun, or with the light in your room because there's no glare.

Okay, so what's the big deal? Why not just buy the book? Here's a few reasons:

With the available memory the Kindle will hold 200 books. With an added memory card, you can hold much, much more.
You can browse the Amazon library and download any book within a minute. Every purchase is backed up online so if you delete the book, you can redownload it later for free.
You download the book directly from Amazon to the Kindle without the need for a computer, using Sprint's high speed data network. And you don't have to pay for the download service, just the book (of course, any data charges are probably hidden in the price of the book, but that's better than having to pay just to browse the store).
Most book prices are cheaper than the hard copy book. Hardcovers are mostly $9.99, books that have been out a while can be $7 or cheaper.
You can have up to six Kindles registered to an account. That means that me and Emily could both have one, and any purchase we make gets shared between the Kindles. So if I buy the next Stephanie Plum book, she has it for no extra charge on her device and we can read them at the same time.
If you're on vacation, at an airport, or at home and have just finished a book and want it's sequel, you can buy it right then. No waiting, no trip to the store, no shipping and handling charge.

Why I will wait to buy a Kindle:

Even after the recent price drop, the Kindle costs $359, or about a hundred more than I paid for my iPod (or $40 less than the iPhone).
Most the books on my wish list aren't yet available on the Kindle. I'm sure Amazon, just like Apple, is having to negotiate with publishers to get books available on the device. The nice thing is they have a little "I want this on Kindle" button under each title so you can request the publisher make the book available.
Rumors are that the next version of the Kindle will come out some time next year at a price of $249-$299. That seems a much better price for the device.

And finally, what will make or break the Kindle. Well, I think it's like Apple and the iPod. Apple didn't really anything unique with building an MP3 player. Sure, the first generation iPod had more memory and a screen you could read, but it was an MP3 player. What really made the iPod work for Apple was the iTunes store.

With the iTunes store, you could buy almost any song for 99 cents, or, an entire album for $9.99. That's much cheaper than going to the mall or even Wal-Mart for the CD. But the price drop wasn't what made the iPod fly, either. Even if you're saving $5 per CD, figuring you just spent $250 or so you wouldn't pay for the device until you'd bought about fifty albums.

But you could fit those fifty albums on one device that you could take anywhere. Apple bought loyalty to both the iPod, the store (iTunes), and more people than ever are buying Mac computers.

What will make or break the Kindle is the store. If Amazon can convince publishers to make books available in the electronic format for less than the paper version, they'll be able to lock in a certain demographic of customers.

Critics have said that the book market is not a growing market and Kindle won't create more readers. Well, duh. I doubt the iPod created more people willing to buy music rather than listen to the radio. What Kindle has the chance to do is get the people who read to read more, because it'll be more convenient to access the material.

I love reading, and I even like going to Barnes and Noble to browse books. I'm irritated, though, having to search for titles they may have in stock or try to determine whether or not I'll like the book. The business model that works for Amazon is that I can read the description of a book, read customer reviews, and even get suggestions on other books I might like based on what I own and what I look at on the site. The downside is shipping, which even on a used book is $3.99, and having to wait. Kindle takes out the shipping cost and the delay in getting your book.

So, ask me next year when the next version comes out, and I might let you take a look at mine.

Little things that can really screw up your day

2008-09-26T16:25:00.002-05:00

We have a Sonic not too far from our house. Just about every time I try to go before work the line doesn't move for five minutes so I have to leave and be upset that I didn't get what I wanted. So today I left half an hour early so I could get an orange slush. It took ten minutes to get my drink, and what do I get? A Coke. I hate Coke. I was so pissed I cursed. Several times. And I'd already pulled out of line so I would have had to sit in line for another ten minutes to correct my order. So I got to work and poured it down the drain and now I get to slurp on water all night.

Grr.

What you can buy with $700 Billion (a semi political blog)

2008-09-25T22:03:00.003-05:00

The US government is debating a $700 billion buyout of our financial lenders. To understand how much money this is, here is a list I found on the internet of what you can buy with that much money:

What does $700 billion actually buy?

It is tough to wrap your brain around how much money it is, so we've tried to put things in perspective for you. (All figures are estimates)

You could buy 21 new Marlins Stadiums for EACH COUNTY in the state of Florida

You could buy braces for everyone in Great Britain.....and France!

You could buy all 32 NFL teams - 27 times

2 cups of Starbucks every day for a year for every person in Brazil

Gasoline for a year for every adult in America. (175 billion gallons of gas)

You could literally buy the world a Coke. One 2-liter bottle per week for a year.

You could buy a 60-inch HDTV for every man, woman and child in the U.S.

Sounds like Monopoly money? It should. You could buy 10 Monopoly games for each of the 6.7 billion human beings on planet earth.

You could buy 7 Mac laptops for every school-age child in U.S.

You could buy every adult in Miami-Dade County an average priced house

Rolex watches you could buy 1 for every woman in the U.S.

You could buy everyone in America 2200 McDonalds apple pies.

Disney tickets: 8 (3-day) passes to Disney for the entire U.S. population

10 four-year degrees from the University of Florida for every child under 18 in South Florida

You could buy 373 basketballs for every child in the U.S.

Sun Sentinel newspapers Two and a half years of 7-day subscriptions for every person in India

You could buy a brand new Hummer for each of the 11 million people on the island of Cuba

You could buy 2 mountain bikes for everyone in China

You could buy every winner of the MTV Video Music Awards 10,000 Lear Jets

You could buy 438 pounds of rice for every single person in Africa.

You could buy 200 four-packs or Play-Doh for every child under 14 on the planet

You could buy 400 trees for every one of the 7 million homes in the state of Florida

You could buy a Caribbean Island for every single person in the state of South Dakota.

1.5 million lightbulbs for every person in Alaska

Entire population of South Florida could cruise around the world continuously for 8.4 months

Rent

2008-09-25T12:06:00.004-05:00

After fourteen years, the little musical that no one thought would make it is closing on Broadway. They filmed the last performance and are viewing it at some select theaters nationwide.

I'd never seen the stage version before. Rent has always been important to Emily but she never let me watch the movie with her because she thought that I wouldn't like it and even more, that I'd make fun of it. Well, I'd heard the soundtrack a few times, but that doesn't really do it for me. I need to see a show to like it or not.

This previous Valentine's Day I had to take Emily to our capital, Jefferson City, for Nurse's Day. She had hurt her ankle and couldn't walk, so while she was at the capital, I was tooling around putting together a little Valentine's Day celebration. One of the things I got for her was the movie version of Rent. We watched it that night, and let me tell you, I loved it.

But again, I'd never seen the stage show. It came to Starlight last year for two shows but I had to work both nights. When I heard they were viewing the last performance from Broadway, I was excited. Even if it was $15 a ticket. Let me tell you, except for the song Contact (which you can close your eyes and hum through) it is a really good show. There's just so much energy and you can really relate to these people.

So if you've ever seen the show or movie and want to see it again, or even for the first time, it's showing at some theaters the 25th, 27th, and 28th of this month (tonight, Saturday, and Sunday).

And, some exciting news, Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp (the original Roger and Mark) are taking the show on tour starting in January. So we're thinking we'll have to go see it live. Some of the cities it's going to are: Chicago, Dallas, Austin, St. Louis, Charlotte NC, and Tampa FL. The whole list is at www.siteforrent.com and some tickets are already for sale.

Tipping: A City in China

2008-09-22T21:20:00.002-05:00

I went for my semi-monthly haircut (I really need a cut every two weeks, but only go every six, but that's another matter) and was faced with my old dilemma. The tip.

You see, I understand tipping at a restaurant. You pay for your food, you tip for your service. So you can give instant feedback on bad service. You punish through your tip, or lack thereof. And you don't have to fill out your tip until you're ready to leave, so it's passive aggressive too.

I don't understand the need to tip a haircutter and for years I didn't even know you were supposed to. After enough expectant, and even some dirty, looks I realize that yes, they want a tip. But why? I'm paying for the service. I don't tip my mechanic. Why do they want more money? What extra am I getting? Conversation? That's not worth the money.

But I do tip. When you're dealing with someone who holds sharp instruments near your head, you should treat them right. And I've seen Sweeney Todd, so you should also bring your family.

I guess I could take the more aggressive route that was suggested by Dwight on "The Office". I could only tip for things I can't do. So waitressing? No tip, because I can do that. Though I'd be a waiter because I'm a guy. But I would tip for a proctologist, because I can't, or more accurately, WON'T, do that on my own.

Last night I met Alice Cullen

2008-09-18T17:50:00.002-05:00

Last night I had a dream about Alice Cullen. The details are pretty hazy, but I think we were in some sort of diner. She wasn't eating, of course. Like most dreams, when you wake up most of what actually happened dissolves pretty quick, leaving only impressions. So these are my impressions.

Alice is just as nice as you'd think she'd be.

Alice is just as attractive as you'd think she'd be.

I figure a lot of people probably dream about what they read, but I don't seem to. In fact, I rarely remember dreams and they usually involve people I know in person. Except those dreams I have of Rhia hating me (okay, I finally had one where you liked me, Rhia :)

As many times as I've read the Harry Potter novels, I think I've only had one dream in that world. And It's been a few weeks since I finished the Midnight Sun excerpt. Maybe my brain is just that far behind on filing away information.

So do any of my readers have dreams about fictional characters?

Oh, and is Stephenie Meyer working on anything else? I know she was working on Midnight Sun, but I wonder if she's working on anything else. I really liked The Host, but that didn't seem to be a novel that would inspire sequels.

No Means No

2008-09-16T23:33:00.003-05:00

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice right now and I'm about 1/3 of the way through. Mr. Collins has just asked Elizabeth to marry him, to which Elizabeth said no. He persists saying that most women reject a man on his first attempt to build his anticipation or get them to try harder or just because rich girls from 18th century England were silly. Elizabeth is a very blunt kind of woman. She doesn't play games.

Mr. Collins just doesn't get it. When a woman tells you no, that's exactly what it means.

If I ever were in the singles game again and asked someone to marry me, if she said no I'd get the point and move on. Of course, I'm so terrified of rejection that the woman may be the one proposing to me.

When I was dating Emily she asked me more than once when I was going to propose to her. I told her I wanted to take the time to make the decision right. I mean, we'd been dating less than a month.

My problem was that every girl I had ever dated I wanted to marry. Of course, I'd never dated a woman longer than a week before. I generally could figure out pretty quick that a relationship wouldn't take me to where I wanted to be and didn't waste time and trauma on it.

So yeah, Elizabeth is not one of those women who are playing hard to get. She just doesn't like you. And that's okay because she falls in love with Mr Darcy. And she's your cousin. And you're her minister. But that's another issue altogether.

What do you want the country to be (A political blog)

2008-09-15T14:24:00.002-05:00

In this election there are quite a few differences among the two presidential candidates. I just want to illustrate a few along the lines of what the government should be responsible for.

In a recent speech, Barack Obama said he wanted to make government cool again. He said that it was government that gave us the Civil Rights Act, Interstate highways, and national parks. Okay. The government may have passed the legislation enacting the Civil Rights Act, but it was the citizens, men and women like Martin Luther King Jr and Rosa Parks, who fought for those rights. Ordinary citizens fought and forced the government to act. Just like ordinary citizens worked for Women's Sufferage (right to vote) in the 1920's.

And sure, Dwight Eisenhower got the interstate system started, but it was paid for by citizens. The same as the park system. Obama shouldn't pat the government on the back too hard. It's us, the average tax payers who have paid for these things, not a couple hundred greedy idiots (Congress) that did it for us.

Here are some of the things Obama wants the government to spend money on, and my response afterwards:

A $65 billion-a-year health plan. This is socialized medicine. This is the same plan that has failed everywhere it's tried. Sure, your healthcare if free (if you don't count the fact that your taxes are going to jump), but will you actually get in to see a doctor? If you want to understand how socialized medicine works, look at Medicaid patients. A Medicaid patient will typically go to an ER for a minor cough because the ER is free to them, Robitusson costs $5. If you don't have to pay, you won't take responsibility.
$15 billion in green energy spending. This is a hoax. All the "green" stuff you see is just the corporate world buying into the global warming theory. Did you know that to create a hybrid battery for a car you actually cause more pollution than that car will ever save? The parts for these batteries come from all over the world, get shipped to Japan or wherever, then shipped back to the sales lot. More pollution to make you "think" you're saving the world. This also includes wind power which is much more expensive than traditional power. You think your heating and cooling bills are bad now? Just wait. And I notice Obama doesn't support nuclear power, which is safe and clean. John McCain does.
$85 billion in tax cuts and credits. Great. I like tax cuts. The credits, on the other hand, will probably go to the lower class who don't pay taxes anyway. The problem with this is that with all the extra spending Obama proposes, you'll never get a tax cut, even if you're in the middle class. Bill Clinton promised a middle class tax cut too. Instead, he raised taxes on everyone. But people like Obama know they can't expect to be elected if they tell the truth. They can make promises to help the middle class and punish the wealthy, but that's not how it will happen. I notice Obama doesn't even talk about balancing the budget. But then, the mess our budget has gotten into over the last eight years probably makes that impossible at this point. At least John McCain wants to combine tax cuts with cuts to spending.
A $25 billion-a-year increase in foreign aid. In other words, more money to people who will hate us and hurt us if they can. Money to tsunami victims who hate the US and blame us for their suffering. I'm not saying we shouldn't help others around the world, but maybe we should cut back on helping people who take our money while spitting in our faces.
$18 billion a year in education spending. I have a plan to help improve education in our country. Get rid of "No Child Left Behind" because it punishes school districts for not doing well. I also think teachers should be given competitive salaries. By the time you go to school to become a teacher, you may realize that with the same time and skill set, you can make much more money than a starting teacher. In fact, I may quite a bit more than starting teachers in Missouri, and that's with no college degree. But we have to be careful where the money goes because some of the school districts with the highest budgets have the worst records.
$3.5 billion for a national service plan. National parks are great. We preserve our future by...something, something, something. Do we need to spend more on parks? Can't we just raise the price to get in or something?

So, this is a plan that will cost $800 billion dollars over the course of four years. How can we pay for this? Raising taxes on the wealthy? Okay, so the taxes go up for your boss, the people your work buys supplies from, the people who sell you your clothes, food, car, and gas. You don't think that tax won't be dumped on you, the struggling middle class American?

Beyond that, every time in US history taxes has been raised, the money the government brings in goes down. Why? Taxes kill productivity and hurt Americans that may otherwise spend money. When taxes are cut, government tax collections go up. More people spending money and an environment where businesses can flourish.

Just think about that when you vote.

The evils of Seseme Street

2008-09-11T11:57:00.004-05:00

When you have a young child at home and wish him to self-entertain for a while, and especially if you don't have cable, you turn on PBS. I have to tell you, there's some things I've noticed about that show that I just dislike. I don't remember it being this way as a kid. I watched all the time, I even learned how to whistle and count to ten with that show. But it's changed. Seseme Street has become a darker place.

First off: Elmo. I cannot stand that kids voice. It is high pitched and whiny and I really just wish he'd shut up. And I really think celebrity has gone to his head. With all these Tickle Me Elmo dolls he's gotten really cocky. He's got his own Elmo's World segment (I'll get to that later) and he even seems to get a lot of the celebrity interviews. It's just not right. Elmo, I think you need to go away and let the other characters shine. Whatever happened to Snuffeluffagus? Now that guy was cool.

Second, the deplorable way they treat Mr. Noodle. You have an older man who comes onto the show during the Elmo's World segment to teach children how to do things. This is an older man who has given up any chance at being cool so he can help children. And what do they do? They mock him and they laugh at him when he fails. He's really trying, people. He's done more to help kids than Tickle Me Emo has ever done (as a side note, google Tickle Me Emo and watch the MadTV spoof. It's great). Primadonnas like Elmo should be nicer to Mr. Noodle before he remembers his real name and gets a job where people will respect him.

I have to say, though, that while I have a few issues with Seseme Street, it's not as bad as Barney. I've always wondered who the creap is in the purple suit. **Shudder**

Good things on a Sunday

2008-09-07T20:12:00.003-05:00

The weather in Kansas City has been reallly nice for the last week. I was able to get my leather jacket out of the closet for some of the cooler nights, some lows even in the 40s. We've been able to keep our air conditioner off and it's just been great.

We went to church and sang a song by Eliza Snow that didn't suck. I noticed that the person who wrote the music was not George Careless this time, so it was actually enjoyable. At the end of the song, Will cried out "Yeah". It was our sacrament hymn. Oops.

The Chiefs played the Patriots in their regular season opener. They lost, 17-10, but that's a lot better than it could have gone. A lot of people thought the Patriots would score four touchdowns in the first quarter. Instead, we gave Tom Brady a possibly career ending knee injury. So, to the rest of the league, your'e welcome.

I'm reading Midnight Sun, Stephenie Meyer's uncompleted draft of Twilight from Edward's point of view. I have to say, I really like getting into his head. A lot of Twilight was Bella trying to figure out what he's thinking and not really getting far. Breaking Sun exposes his motivations, why he did the things he did, and why he loved Bella. And it shows Edward trying to figure out what Bella's thinking, and not really getting far. It's often really funny. Oh, and most of Bella's friends suck.

I started Pride and Prejudice the other day. I figured I should read some of the classics. I'm not too far in, but I like Elizabeth's character, much better than anyone in Sense and Sensibility.

I've also started Emily's birthday gift and am glad to say that everything is working so far. What am I doing? I can't tell until after the 17th when we celebrate. But it's going to be cool.

Dr Horrible's Sing-along-blog

2008-09-04T17:39:00.002-05:00

I was watching the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night (the best late night show, in my opinion) and he had Nathan Fillion, a hero to us Firefly fans, on the program. He was talking about this little internet show he had done. During the writer's strike Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Firefly) called him and asked if he'd be interested in doing this little internet program with Neil Patrick Harris. They'd have no producers, no distribution, just have fun filming it.

So they put it together and its this musical sort of video blog cataloging the story of this evil genius, Dr Horrible (played by Neil Patrick Harris) who is trying to get into an exclusive bad guy society. During the course of it he falls in love with a homeless advocate, but is trumped when his nemesis, Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion) sort of saves her and starts dating her. Captain Hammer is a complete jerk and is only taking the girl to hurt Dr Horrible. Through the story they battle each other and break into hilarious song routines. If you have 45 minutes to spare, check it out at drhorrible.com.

The Creepiest Thing Ever...including Facebook

2008-09-02T23:25:00.003-05:00

The other day I was tooling around on the internet while at work. I decided to do a map search on my own house because it's one of those nerdy things you do when you're bored. And it's kind of cool to see the satellite view of the top of your house. I mean, I'm afraid of heights, when am I ever going to end up on the top of my own house?

So I punched it up and zoomed in (I'm always curious how up to date those maps are, maybe I'll see my car from outerspace, or the top of my head). So I zoom in and I see this little box that has a little image of my house with an option for "Street View". I'm like, hmm. I hit Street View and up comes a picture of my street, at street level. The picture is a little off so I have to go down the road a few houses, but there it is. My wife's car on one side, my car in the other. I figure the picture had to have been taken around October of last year because I have my new car, the leaves are changing, and I can see the pumpkins outside the door.

CREEPY!

I'm really not okay with this. Besides the fact that someone came down my street snapping pictures, anyone can pop in my address and get a picture of my house. Talk about the ultimate stalking tool. And I thought Facebook was bad. At least you have to volunteer for that. At least you can ban people and block out your profile. ANYONE can do a search and find me. Ugh.

So, anyway, if you want to creep yourself out, pop in your own address and see what you find. If you have an apartment, you're probably okay, but put in your parent's address just for kicks and giggles.

Sundry Items

2008-08-31T21:48:00.002-05:00

The Dark Knight hit the $500 million dollar mark for US ticket sales. It's now less than a $100 million away from over taking Titanic. I've heard the Titanic lovers saying that tickets were a lot cheaper in 1998 when it came out so even if Dark Knight beats it in overall sales, Titanic still sold more tickets. Yeah, no one listened to us Star Wars fans when we said the same thing. Am I a nerd? I'm a nerd.

Hurricane Gustav is getting ready to slam New Orleans. I still say they should let lower New Orleans become a swamp and rebuild upriver. It would be a better use of money.

In other Gustav news, the GOP convention is getting delayed a little bit because of the hurricane. Does this mean that God hates Republicans? Or is he giving McCain a chance to shine. Or, in the words of a piece of flair I saw, is he not Republican or Democrat? Probably the last option.

In other God news, I had thought I hated all LDS hymns written by Eliza Snow. That wasn't entirely true. The words are just fine, it's the music that sucks. Most of them are written by a guy named George Careless, who lived up to his name. You see, you always hit a point in one of his songs where the men drop out and the women are left trying to sing soprano and it always comes off sounding weak. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir could probably do it just fine, the congregation has troubles. So, there was a song we sang today (we actually ended up singing two George Careless songs) where we took turns dropping out. First the women dropped out, leaving the men trying to sing bass, then the men dropped out and left the women to sing. I think it was during the second verse that I just stopped singing. Singing should be fun, it should uplift your soul. If it just irritates you, I think it's okay to just sit and stay quiet. Or, as I did, whisper in your neighbor's (Emily's) ear that we must be having a George Careless Labor Day Marathon.

We've now entered the heated political season where hatred and emotion trumps reason. Friendships are challenged, marriages are tried. I'm voting for McCain. Not because I think he's the best man for the job, just because I think he's the best man running. If you're an Obama supporter, I'm okay with that. If you hate the overall political process and won't vote at all, that's okay too. If you want my opinions on the race, you can ask. If I wish to blog about my opinions, I'll make the title clear that's what I'm doing in the title so you can skip it if you wish.

For Labor Day weekend I get to work all weekend (including Monday) but I'm going to try to enjoy some festivities Monday before work. So I'll have a little fun. Oh, I can't wait until I'm actually settled in a career.

McCain's VP pick

2008-08-29T12:44:00.002-05:00

I knew that John McCain would make his VP selection today. It would get some attention back to him right after the Democratic Convention ended. I figured the top of his list was Mitt Romney, the man I voted for in the primaries. There was also some talk of other contenders. Let me tell you, when I turned the TV on today (just as McCain was making his announcement) I was not expecting Sarah Palin. In fact, I don't know that I'd heard of her. But I think McCain got this pick right (whether you support him or not) and I'll tell you why:

Barack Obama had the chance to do what has only been done once in the history of this nation: pick a woman to join him on his presidential ticket. What a historic occasion that would have been. The first black president and the first woman vice president. It's everything the Democrats claim to be.
About fifty percent of Hillary Clinton supporters have said they won't vote for Obama, they're still upset that Clinton lost the nomination. This isn't too uncommon, usually when your guy (or gal) doesn't get the nomination you have sour grapes for a while, but then when it comes time to vote, you go with your own party. In this case, McCain has given Hillary supporters a place to cast their ballot. A lot of women in this country that supported Hillary did it because she was a woman. McCain may have just snatched a lot of potential Obama voters. I'll be interested to see the poll numbers next week.
In picking Sarah Palin, John McCain has chosen a Vice President that has more experience than the Democrat nominee. That's awesome!
Joe Biden is a jerk and an attack dog. He would have had no problem tearing into any one of McCain's potential VP's during the VP debates. Now he'll be up against a woman. If he tries his usual tactics, he'll come off looking bad.
Not that this matters, but Sarah Palin is hot. I'm just sayin'.
Both Sarah Palin and her husband are union people. I don't really care for unions, but the union vote is one that the Republicans generally don't get. This may swing things a little.
Sarah Palin, like John McCain, is for fiscal repsonsibility, meaning that the government shouldn't spend billions of dollars it doesn't have on projects the country doesn't need.
As mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, she cut her own salary (something almost unheard of in politics) and cut property taxes by 60%.
When it comes to ethics, she has no problems blowing the whistle on even her own party members (something the Republicans should be more willing to do).
Palin's approval rating in Alaska as of last month was 80%.

Let me tell you, I was a little disappointed to hear Romney didn't get the nod, but I'm excited about Sarah Palin. I think it will bring a lot of attention to McCain's campaign, while snubbing Obama for not picking Hillary. We'll see how it turns out.

Goodbye, Beijing

2008-08-24T14:44:00.002-05:00

In honor of the 2008 Olympics closing tonight, I've compiled a list of sports that should say goodbye too, and the reasons they should go. Have fun!

Baseball and Basketball: These sports were just fine when it was amateurs competing. Once they let the pros in they haven't been very fair to other nations. Especially in basketball where the competitions are dominated by NBA talent every year. Let's just let these be international professional sports and not olympic sports.
Boxing: This is just angry men hitting each other. I'm not a huge fan of real violence (movie violence is just fine, the choreography makes it more like dancing). I almost got to see angry men start hitting each other at the gas station today. I wouldn't give them a gold for it. (Whether or not this actually came to blows, I don't know. I decided to leave before learning whether or not one of the parties had a gun.)
Judo/Taekwondo: Martial arts are supposed to be disciplined exercises of self-control and protection. It really shouldn't be competitive, otherwise it just becomes more like boxing.
Rhythmic Gymnastics: I love the regular gymnastics. It takes immense strength, mental acuity, and skill. Rhythmic gymnastics is basically little girls waving ribbons behind them or playing will bouncy balls. That's not a sport, that's a parade (or the circuis).
Rowing can stay, sailing should go. Rowing takes strength and skill, and sure, so does sailing, but it seems too much like yachting. Can you picture that? Men standing on million dollar yachts in their white pants, blue dinner jackets, holding a martini?
Shooting: I actually think this should remain because it does require skill and hey, shooting a gun is just cool. The reason I list it is do we really want countries that we could end up at war with getting better at shooting.
Table Tennis: Forrest? Forrest? This isn't a sport! I could do this! I think the main qualifications for this sport are the ability to stand, and the possession of at least one hand.
Trampoline: Come on, aren't these just gymnastics rejects? Bounce on your own time. Don't ask for medals for bouncing better than others.
Weighlifting: Sure, this takes training and lots of working out. But a sport? You're just picking up heavy stuff. Of course, I'd never say this around a weightlifter. They could probably pick me up and throw me a good distance. Now THAT would be a sport.

My new hero

2008-08-18T14:42:00.002-05:00

Last night I turned on the TV and caught some of the women's gymnastics. They were doing the vault final and they kept cutting to this girl walking around. Only, she wasn't like the other girls. She seemed to have a more calm, more mature air about her. I thought to myself, 'hey, she's kind of cute', then the commentators starting talking about her. She's this 33 year old woman competing for Germany and she ended up getting the Silver medal for the vault competition. I was like, wow, a 33 year old getting an olympic medal for gymnastics is amazing. It just doesn't happen. So I was already thinking, 'this girl's my new hero' and told Emily about it this morning. Turns out she knew about it too, only she had heard the whole story.

It turns out that the woman (Chusovitina Oksana) was a Russian gymnist when she was about 19. Since then she's gotten married and had a son. Her son developed leukemia and the hospital told her they didn't have room for him so she'd just have to watch him die. Well, like any parent, you just can't take that for an answer. Especially when you know leukemia is treatable. So she called one of the coaches in Germany and asked for help. The coach got her on the German team so she could compete. Her son was able to get health care and is now in remission.

This woman went and did something that very few women her age could do, and not only saving her sons life, brought back a silver medal, proving that being 33 isn't old. She's an inspiration to people to not give up something you enjoy just because people say you can't do it. And she's going to be a personal hero to her son.

And she's not bad on the eyes. I know, I'm an evil, evil person.

Harry Potter Delay

2008-08-15T13:16:00.002-05:00

Warner Brothers, in all their wisdom, has decided to delay the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to next July. So all of us loyal fans who were counting on a November release (about 100 days away) now get a July 17th release (over 300 days away). Why has the wonderful WB made this decision? Well, like all studios: money. With The Dark Knight (also a WB product), they have decided that they've surpassed budget expectations and can save Harry Potter, another sure hit for the studio, to next year, when they don't have as many big budget movies coming out.

They've said the core audience for the film will be out of school next July, allowing HBP more time to bring in money. It is also the same weekend Dark Knight came out. So all the wonderful fans are basically being punished for their loyalty and willingness to spend time making the studio rich. Kind of like what's happening at work to me. So I shouldn't be surprised by something like this. It is the second movie to be bumped like this (the first was Star Trek, getting moved from Christmas to next May).

I also love WB's attempt to spin the story. They've said the repercussions of the writer's strike was also a reason in the delay, but go on to say post-production for the movie finished on time. What does that mean? The movie's done. They could put it in theaters next week. I guess it was an added bonus to blame the writers for wanting to actually get paid for their work.

So guys, enjoy the rest of your year. City of Ember, James Bond, and Twilight will still (I hope) come out next year. And we'll get to see HBP next year. And, to take some of the edge off, WB says the delay won't hold up the first part of Deathly Hallows, so there should be a shorter gap between films (I'm guessing July 2010?).

Our new elliptical

2008-08-14T14:14:00.003-05:00

I decided a little while back that what I really need is an elliptical. Why? Let me jump back a little.

When I met with my wonderful sleep doctor a few months back she told me to lose 50 pounds. After two months, I'm going in the wrong direction. I've only gained maybe two pounds, but I'm definitely not losing any. I know some of that stems from bad habits I need to break (eating at 1 in the morning, drinking soda on an almost daily basis) and while I'll work on those too, having a better diet won't make enough difference. Because I've been off soda and I've been more responsible with my eating.

Okay, I tried exercising. I tried running around my neighborhood, which sucks when the temps in the 90s and the humidity is really high. And I have to take Will with me in his jogging stroller, so I have to stop to sunscreen him and hope he doesn't get heat stroke. I also tried taking walks on my breaks at work, which would get me a 15-20 minute walk. Not bad, but it's rough in the summer and winter.

So, the elliptical. I know I'll use it on a regular basis because in the past when I've had access to exercise equipment I've been good at using it. I mean, I can pull the thing into the living room and watch TV while exercising.

I've actually been looking for awhile. Most ellipticals are more expensive than I'd like. I mean sure, the $500 model is really awesome looking, but it's also $500. So I hit up Craigslist.com and found some models I'd like, but no one would call me back. Silly people.

Then I tried ebay and Amazon. With ebay you have to go to the effort of bidding and hoping you get a worthwhile price, remembering that you have to pay for shipping. With Amazon and other retailers you also have shipping.

I ended up at Walmart.com. The benefit with them is they have a lot of items on their website that they don't sell in stores. What you can do is buy it and have them ship it to your local store. They do this for free and all you have to do is pick it up. Not bad. So I found up two ellipticals that were pretty cheap. And I'll tell you how I picked. Here they are:

Okay, here are the factors. There is only about $4 difference in the price, they are about the same size, and both have the electronic display. Here are the issues that made the difference. On the second one, the gears in the back are exposed. You can see the little fan like wires goign across. Little fingers, like Will's, may be able to get in there and get smashed. Smashed baby fingers, not so good.

The second issue is the model that comes with the bike. The top model is your stereotypical cute blond who probably doesn't know which end of the elliptical to stand on. It's like those Chuck Norris exercise commercials. You know those people don't actually use the equipment, they're in a real gym 18 hours a day. Or, in this blond's case, she's just one of those annoying girls who can eat a cow every six minutes and still retain her shape.

Then there's the redhead. What can I say, I just have a thing for redheads. So that's the elliptical I bought. I expect to pick up said elliptical and said redhead in 7-10 business days. Emily will probably be fine with that.

So now I'm starting on my goal to lose weight. Now, the goals I try to set aren't goals you can't control, like lose 3-5 pounds per week. Instead, my goal is to come home from work every night and use the elliptical for a while. I'd also like to use it in the mornings (or noon, when I actually get out of bed). I'll keep everyone up to date on how I'm doing.

A Request

2008-08-10T14:34:00.002-05:00

If you are in an English speaking congregation at church, and you are capable of speaking English, please do so. Do not say a prayer, give a talk, bear a testimony, or bless a child, in a language that maybe five other people know. I can't say 'amen' if I don't know what you said. You could totally be blasting the bishop for all I know. You could be praying to Buddha. I'm not going to get in on that. It's rude to speak your native language when only other natives (again, the vast minority) can understand what you're saying.

And I know that people have said that someone came to speak or give their testimony in their congregation and they didn't know English, so they gave it in their own language and the spirit was so strong. Well yeah, I get that. They don't speak the language so they're doing their best. This isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the idea that you've decided to exclude 95% of the congregation so you can honor your heritage or some other garbage.

*#@$ing Road Construction

2008-08-09T14:45:00.003-05:00

On the weekends I go into work at 2:30 in the afternoon. Today we decided to see a movie that got out just after 1pm. After gabbing with my friends for a while, I left for work. This was 1:30. I figured I had an hour to drive the 20-30 minutes it should take to get to work, leaving plenty of time to get lunch. Well, I get on I-435 to hit I-35 North to get to work. Only, the ramp going to I-35 North is closed. It's one of those exits where you take the I-35 exit and then you can go right for north or left for south. So, I didn't know the northbound lane was closed until I was on the exit. And no, there were no signs that I could see warning me before I got of 435. So I got shunted into I-35 South traffic. 35 South was down to one lane so it took forever to get onto, then I had to head to the next exit to turn around and get on 35 North again, which was down to two, and then one lane. It took forever to hit an exit that would get me around traffic to get to work on time. So, I end up right next to work with three minutes to go. I say, 'I'm still hungry' and hit the Taco Bueno that is literally shares the lot with us. Only this Taco Bueno sucks with customer service so they don't acknowledge that I've pulled up, let alone take my order. So I pull away. I ate what I brought for dinner for lunch and I'll have to go out for dinner.

I hate road construction and I really hate Taco Bueno. I do like that my little 4-cylindar car really has some get up, though. Go Versa!

Talula does the Hula (SPOILER WARNING)

2008-08-08T11:29:00.003-05:00

This is a review of Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn. There will be spoilers. That means that if you haven't finished the book and wish to do so, don't read this blog.

Skip it now, move to the next topic, and come back when you're ready.

Emily, I know you're not finished, go away!

Okay, if you're still here, then you have read the novel or have no desire to ever do so.

Right...I've got to say, this was my favorite Twilight novel yet. It actually went places. I'm not sure if it ranks up there with The Host, but it's close. Now, I'm not going to dwell on all the wonders of Stephenie Meyer's writing (and this girl knows how to write), instead, just a few things I just thought a little silly. Like Bella's name for her child. Renesmee? It took half the novel before I could say it in my head without tripping! Okay, I get that it's a combination of her two mother figures, but Renesmee? Get a baby naming book or something. This is like all the names for Harry Potter's offspring.

I wonder what would have happened if her child had been a boy. There's EJ (Edward Jacob), though I don't think you should give your child the name of an ex-boyfriend. How about combine your hubby and daddy's names. Would that be Edlie or Charwood. I'm partial to Charwood, with the burning and all.

Okay, that's about all the criticism. Now I have an honest question for the ladies out there because I know that women think differently than men. You have Jacob, who Bella got pretty close to, and if Edward hadn't returned (or even existed in the first place), Bella probably would have ended up with him and everyone knew it. So this old friend/potential boyfriend, with all his history of trying to steal Bella, knowing she's committed to Edward, shows up at the wedding and picks a fight and Bella STILL WANTS TO BE BESTEST FRIENDS?!? That just doesn't jive with me. If I had an ex-girlfriend who tried through my engagement to steal me from Emily show up at the reception, she'd been kicked out, no matter how close we had been. And I wouldn't care about her well being. I'd probably make fun of her for being psycho. But men aren't as sensitive.

All that said, I thought the chapters from Jacob's point of view were really good and I loved the way his character turned out.

I'm really happy with the direction of the novel and all the new things she brought in with the immortal children, Bella's power, and all the vampires from across the world. Now I have to wait for Midnight Sun, to get Edward's point of view.

Okay, I have to say this

2008-08-04T23:44:00.002-05:00

I saw on Yahoo that people are complaining of the deep voice used by Christian Bale when he's in his Batman role in The Dark Knight. I understand the criticism, because he's awefully croaky. But, I get it. Even with the cowl covering most of his face, his normal Bruce Wayne voice would give him away. Now, when Batman is talking to someone who knows his identity, he should drop the deep voice and just speak normally, but he keeps it up. I understand the criticism, but it also makes sense why he'd change his voice around others, especially someone who might notice that this caped crusader sounds like Billionaire Playboy Bruce Wayne.

Why do I understand?

Well, think of the recent Spiderman movies. Tobey Maguire runs around in this costume, and sure he's completely covered, but he goes around saving and talking to people who know him. He does it in his normal Peter Parker voice, even calling Mary Jane his cute "MJ" nickname. And. No. One. Ever. Figures. It. Out. I know that's not the point of the movie, but if I ran around in a costume fighting crime, and went and saved my wife, I would think my size and voice, and if I called her something like Em or Emmy, she'd figure out it was me. It's a little annoying.

And so is the Batman deep voice. But it works. It's more believable, so I'm okay with it.

That is all.

What about the vegetables?

2008-07-26T20:56:00.002-05:00

Now that modern science is starting to realize that plants may have feelings too, vegetarians are finding themselves in a quandry over what they can eat. Of course all meat products are out, but if a plant can feel you murdering it, what do they eat? To help any vegefriends out there, I've made a list of food everyone can eat with a clear conscious:

Water and ice
Salt
Dead leaves (edible leaves can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_plants_with_edible_leaves)
Milk (But you have to ask the cow if she minds. Since holding milk can be painful to the cow, she should be okay with this.) Most dairy products should be fine too, but not anything made with active cultures (like yogurt) or yeast, since these are technically alive too.
Fruit and vegetables (You have to wait for these to fall from the tree/bush. Otherwise, it's murder. Also, you should wait until it's dark to pick them off the ground, otherwise the tree/bush may realize you're going to digest their children and hurt their feelings.)
Eggs (As long as their unfertelized, you should be okay.)
Honey (Just don't hurt the bees, and be sure to leave enough for them to eat. In fact, you may want to wait until the bees go out partying for the night so they don't get their feelings hurt when you steal all their hard work.)

Okay, I hope this helps our vege-friends, and if anyone out there can think of any other suggestions, please leave them below :)

Step One to Financial Freedom

2008-07-24T20:55:00.003-05:00

So I decided last week to follow Dave Ramsey's seven baby steps to financial freedom. It's a simple idea to get out of debt and prepare for your future, child's college, retirement, etc. Step one is to put $1,000 into an emergency fund. Basically, you want to have some cash on hand before you pay off your debts so if you need money, you dip into your emergency fund before acquiring new debt.

I came home from work, excited to start this plan, and Emily completely freaked out (well, not a full Emily freak out, but anyway) thinking that it was too hard and we'd never make it. Mind you, this plan is supposed to take several years to achieve. It's just a good road map to follow. So, we had something like this conversation. It has been embellished to make it funnier (Emily actually wasn't that bad):

"We can't possibly save $1,000, we're going to completely die!"

"Well, we had $200 in savings already, didn't we?" I asked.

"But that's only $200! We're still like $800 away!!!"

"Okay," I said calmly. "You just put $500 in savings the other day, right?"

"Yeah, but we're still a long, long way from $1,000."

"No, we're only $300 away. (Okay, this didn't happen like that because Em's much better at math than me.)

"Oh." She pauses. "I just remembered, my savings account in Kentucky has $400 in it."

"See! We already made it to a thousand dollars! You were completely freaking out, and we had already made it to the first goal (that was pretty close to how it happened.)"

So, we have (or had, we had to dip already) the $1,000 emergency fund to keep away from spending more money on credit. The next step is to pay off your debt, starting with your lowest balance. I'm excited. Now, I think we are going to save a little more, say $1500-2000 just to make sure we're okay for Dallas this December, but we have a plan and are on our way to financial freedom. Hooray!

(And I'm sure Emily will put on a comment telling me how much I embellished:)

The Dark Knight (no spoilers)

2008-07-19T19:10:00.002-05:00

I won't give out any plot points from the movie. I just want to say The Dark Knight was the most intense movie I've ever seen. It's two and a half hours, but you don't feel it. The movie hooks you and doesn't let you go. Heath Ledger was wonderful and deserves an Oscar. But the movie doesn't forget the other characters either. Batman, Harvey Dent, Rachel Dawes (replaced by an actual actress, Maggie Gyllenhaal), Lt Gordon; all good roles in this one.

I also have to say, the movie should have gotten an R rating, just for intensity. There is no language, and much of the violence isn't shown, though you know what's going on. This movie made Batman Begins look like a Disney film. It made the originals (Batman, Batman Returns, et al) forgettible, and no one will ever mention George Clooney in a serious breath ever again.

I think The Dark Knight falls in my top five all time movies. I don't know what the other four are, but it's in the top five. It was a good superhero movie, a good crime movie, and actually had good moral lessons. What are you waiting for? Go see it. Seriously.

Why you should marry (or be friends with) a nerd

2008-07-17T17:50:00.002-05:00

In school and a bit of my adult life I've avoided the nerd/geek/dork persona and worked towards not finding myself in that class of people. What I've learned is it's easier to be yourself. If you try to be someone else, you may end up being no one. While you should avoid being eccentric, it's okay to be eclectic. So these are some of the reasons it's okay to be, marry, or befriend a nerd (or dork or geek).

Nerds make more money.
Nerds are very loyal.
Nerds may not have a million friends but they are very close to those friends they have.
Nerds are a lot more interesting than some of the "popular" people.
Nerds often have mad skills. Like using num chucks or training horses. :P
Nerds can teach you how to use your iPod. Or blog.
A nerd won't judge you for going to the Renaissance Fair, Shakespeare in the Park, or the New Kids on the Block Concert.
Nerds love the same books you do.
Nerds love the same movies you do.
A nerd will let you cry on their shoulder.

So, embrace your inner geek, dare to be a nerd, care enough to be a dork because we all have those moments. And if you want to know the truth: when I was in elementary school, way back when, I realized pretty soon that while the "cool" kids may have picked on the nerds and loners, they were also pretty mean to each other. I realized that if I ever made it into the cool category of people I would always have to fight to be there, and I'd never quite feel free to be myself. I'm not afraid to be who I am now, and that's pretty cool.

Short Story: Mirroring Reality

2008-07-10T16:48:00.002-05:00

Mark drove home from work, driving a little faster than he should. No, that wasn’t true. A little faster than he should would have been okay. Cops don’t pull you over for going a little faster than you should. He was going much faster than an ambulance should. But that was usually how he drove after a bad day at work. It would have been one thing if it had been a Friday, then he’d have the whole weekend to cool off. This was a Tuesday. Two days worked and he was already a mess.
He didn’t even hear the sirens behind him. He happened to look into his rearview mirror, wondering why some idiot was tailgating him. When you’re going twenty over the limit a cop will tend to do that. He turned off the blaring radio, checked his right side mirror, and pulled over. Great, he didn’t need this.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?” the officer asked once he reached Mark’s window.
Mark wondered why they always asked that. Are they trying to get you to admit to something they might not know about? ‘Sure,’ Mark thought. ‘I’ve got a crapload of pot in the trunk, why don’t you have a look.’
“I guess I was going a little over the limit,” Mark said instead.
“A little?” The officer’s eyebrows went up over his sunglasses. “A little is going down a steep hill. A little is passing someone on the interstate. I don’t turn my car on for a little. You were driving like a bat out of hell.”
“I’m sorry, officer. I had a bad day at work.”
“Yeah. And you’re going to have a bad evening too. I’m going to have to ticket you for excessive speeding. I’ll ignore the no turn signal infraction, but I’m going to have to get you for the seatbelt.”
“You’re ticketing me for not wearing a seatbelt? You’re joking, right?”
“Nope. We’re cracking down. Some of us are tired of looking for body parts after a guy gets thrown out of his car because he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. But hey, consider yourself lucky. I could have you walking the white line to see if you’ve been drinking. But seeing it’s only 5:30, and your speech isn’t slurred, I’ll assume you were just anxious to get home.”
“Sure.”
The officer went back to his cruiser and took a ridiculous amount of time writing out the ticket. Finally he returned with the citation and a “have a nice day.” Mark decided not to bring up the fact that a ticket wasn’t going to brighten an already sour day. He drove away, careful to drive the limit until he was away from the police officer.
Mark pulled into his driveway twenty minutes later, hoping supper would be done.
“Janie, what’s for supper?”
No reply.
“Janie?”
“Mark? Is that you?”
“Who else would it be?”
“Don’t take that tone. Are you okay?”
Janie stepped from the spare bedroom. She was wearing what must have been an old pair of Mark’s overalls because they fit loosely. There was green paint on her fingers, which was transferred to her blond hair as she swept a stray lock from her forehead.
On seeing his expression, a look of concern crossed her face.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Bad day at work. What have you been doing?”
“Painting the spare bedroom. I’ve been putting it off too long.”
“What about dinner?”
“That’s why I was surprised to hear you come in. I didn’t know it was so late. Are you hungry?”
“No, I just worked all day without a break and am doing fine, thanks. You?”
“Don’t be rude,” she said. “I can throw something together pretty quick. How about spaghetti and garlic bread?”
“Come on! We’ve had that already this week. Can’t you come up with something original?”
“Do you think you’re the only one around here that does anything? I’ve had to get this house ready to sell practically by myself. I work hard too, only my day doesn’t end at five o’clock. I keep going with cooking and cleaning and laundry and packing. So, if you want something more fancy you can make it yourself or you can go out and trim the trees in the back like you’ve been promising for weeks!"
“You know…” Mark cut himself off. He clamped his lips together and shook his head. He was about to lose it. He continued, in a slightly calmer tone. “I’ll trim the trees. Would you be so kind as to let me know when you’re finished cooking?”
“Sure,” his wife whispered.
Mark stomped off to his room, changed into some casual clothes, and headed to the garage for the garden shears. Passing the kitchen he thought he heard Janie crying, but he kept going, ignoring it. She should be a little more sensitive to his problems, he thought. She had no idea what he went through to buy the food she cooked and the paint for the rooms and the new house they were moving into next month.
He walked to the trees separating his house from the one behind it. Eyeballing them, he decided where he’d start cutting. He had gotten the cedar chips down a few weeks ago and they looked good, but the new growth on the trees was all wrong. A tree was supposed to grow up, not down. He was tired of getting hit in the head whenever he walked back there.
He set into the stray branches, cutting off the unwanted portions. This would take no time, he thought. His wife would never have supper ready by the time he was done.
Reaching with the shears, he cut a branch on the far side of the tree. He knew he should have just walked around to get it, but didn’t want the bother. He didn’t cut all the way through and the branch twisted around as it started to fall, yanking the shears from his hands. Mark swore.
“Just one thing,” he said. “I just need one thing to go right.”
As he knelt to pick up the shears, he heard a distinctive hissing sound to his right. Oh. Crap. Mark didn’t know a lot about snakes, but a hissing one couldn’t be good. He turned his head as slow as he could. His eyes focused just in time to see the snake flying at him. He passed out before he fell any pain.
***
“Wake up, Mark. I’m ready for you.”
Who was that? Janie? Was dinner ready? What was he doing lying down?
“Mark, wake up. We’re going to have some fun.”
It wasn’t a woman’s voice. What was going on? He opened his eyes. He wasn’t in his backyard. In fact, he was nowhere he recognized. There were lights shining down on him, but he didn’t see a source. There were also glints of light coming at him. Then a face crossed his field of vision. A young man, good looking. Maybe a young doctor. He remembered the snake. Janie must have called the paramedics.
“What happened?”
“You were bit by a snake, Mark.”
“I thought so. Am I going to be okay?”
The man smirked. “I always love this part,” he seemed to say to himself. “Mark, I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“What? Did I lose a leg or something?” He thought of his body. Everything seemed to be attached. But he had heard of phantom limb syndrome, where someone who has lost a leg or arm could still feel it sometimes.”
“No, your leg is fine. It’s your soul that’s in trouble.”
“My soul?”
“Yeah. You see, you’re dead, and this is hell. Get up.”
The man reached a hand out, the smirk was still on his face. Mark took his hand and was lifted to his feet. He looked around himself. He seemed to be in a hall. To his left was an ordinary looking door. To his right the hall seemed to stretch forever. Behind him was a blank wall, but in front of him was a mirror. No, it couldn’t be a mirror. But what he saw didn’t make any sense either.
“I’m dead?”
“Yep.”
“And I’m in hell?”
“Bingo!”
“That doesn’t make any sense. I wasn’t such a bad guy.”
“No? Didn’t you just leave your wife crying in the kitchen?”
“I, uh…wait, how did you know about that? Were you looking in my window?”
“You see, this always happens. You explain everything very clearly and they still don’t get it. Okay. Let me be blunt. My name is…oh wait. I forgot the special effects.”
The man snapped his fingers, and that fast everything changed. The light in the hallway suddenly turned red. No, it wasn’t the light, the hallway was on fire. The man had changed too. He was twice as tall, towering over Mark. His skin had turned red, he had horns coming from his forehead, a tail that reached behind him, and a large pitchfork. He laughed in a deep, menacing way. In the background Mark was sure he could hear singing, only it was dark, mean, and discordant.
“Ha, ha, ha,” the man laughed in his deeper voice. “I am Sactophrax, the high lord of doom and despair. The keeper of doomed spirits, the master of misery. You will burn for all eternity and I will plague you with torment until you beg for relief!”
Mark fell to the floor, his hands on his head. Every muscle in his body trembled and he started to cry. Instantly, the man, Sactophrax, was back to his old self, the flames were gone, his skin was pale, and the music had gone.
“Oh, don’t get all weepy on me,” Sactophrax said. “I’m just trying to prove a point.”
Mark ventured a look. He could see the man was back to his old self. In fact, Mark started to question that he had really seen what he thought he had.
“You’re…Satan?” he asked in a shaky voice.
The man smacked his own head with his hand.
“No. I just told you. My name is Sactophrax.”
“What were you just now? All the flames and the deep voice?”
“Oh that? Just my way to get past the disbelief. People get sent to hell and they have a hard time believing. So I do the deep voice and special effects. It makes thing much faster.”
“So you’re going to torture me?”
“In a manner of speaking. Nothing physical, mind you. You’re dead, which means no more physical pain.”
“Really?”
Sactophrax rapped his knuckles on Mark’s head. “No pain, genius. Just mental torment. Most people get sent to hell for a reason. We just exploit that by making you feel the pain of the sins you committed.”
“What about all that high lord of doom and keeper of…”
“Keeper of doomed spirits, master of misery. Well, a bit of an exaggeration, I’ll admit. It sound much better than Senior Undersecretary for Verbally Abusive Husbands.”
“That, uh, seems really specific.”
“There’s a lot of demons down here. A lot of jobs to go around. But I am the Senior Undersecretary. Best job in hell. Any higher and I’d be doing paperwork, any lower and I’d be tormenting people who don’t use their turn signal on the freeway. Of course, if you’d died any sooner, you might have gotten that one, eh?”
Mark thought that might have been a joke, but wasn’t in the mood to play along.
“That’s all this is?” he asked instead. “All Satan wants is to remind us of the bad things we’ve done in our lives?”
“Hey, we’re all doomed to be miserable. No eternal happiness, and all that. So, we try to spread the misery around. It doesn’t take much to distract us from our own. But anyway, we’re getting behind. It’s time to tell you why, exactly, you sucked as a husband. We’ll start with when your wife found you. Look here.”
Sactophrax turned Mark to face the mirror he had seen earlier. It was what he thought it was, but it still seemed impossible. He saw himself, lying under the tree, unconscious. No, not unconscious, dead. In a moment his wife ran to him, screaming his name. She fell to her knees and screamed louder. Mark felt bad. He had treated her poorly, and here she was, hysterical over his body.
“Why didn’t you call the paramedics?” he whispered.
“She did. They didn’t get there fast enough. Let’s move on, though.
The next mirror showed a funeral home. There was a casket at the front of the room with rows of chairs. At the front his wife was seated. She wore all black, with a veil covering her face. A man leaned down to talk to her. He put his hand on her shoulder. Mark couldn’t see his face.
“Who’s that?”
“Oh, that’s Paul. Janie went to school with him. We like him down here.”
“Why is he here?”
“Oh, we’ll get to him. Just pay attention.”
The man finished saying whatever he was saying, gave Janie’s shoulder a squeeze, and walked away. The service began. A minister spoke about death and sorrow and a lot of things Mark hadn’t really considered at all. The man seemed to have good things to say about Mark. A few other speakers took their turn. Then the pall bearers took the casket out of the room.
In a moment the scene changed. Now they were at a graveyard. The minister spoke again, blessed the grave, and lowered the casket into the ground. When someone dumped a shovel full of dirt on the casket, Janie couldn’t take it anymore. She got up and ran to a large tree, hiding on the other side as she sobbed. Paul followed. He took the handkerchief Janie was holding and dabbed the tears from her eyes. She put her arms around her and held him tight as she sobbed on his shoulder.
“Ah, how sweet,” Sactophrax. “Making his move before the body’s even cold. You can tell why we like him.”
“He’s a sleaze,” Mark answered.
“You have no idea,” Sactophrax said, laughing. “Come to the next one.”
The next mirror was Janie again. She was sobbing again.
“I hate this,” Paul murmured. I’ve caused her so much pain. I’d do anything to take it back.”
“Even go to hell for her?”
Mark looked at the demon. “Yes. I’d do anything.”
“Well, good. You’re in hell. Congratulations. Now pay attention.”
“She’s in pain, I see that. Do I really have to look at this?”
“Of course. But you don’t see why she’s crying yet. Just watch.”
As Janie continued to sob, Mark realized something wasn’t quite right. Those weren’t tears of misery. They were…something else. And then he saw it. When Janie raised her left hand to wipe away some tears, a glittering ring looked back at him. It was firmly on her ring finger, and it wasn’t any ring Mark had given her.
“Yes, Paul. Of course I’ll marry you.”
“Marry him! I’ve been dead for a day and you’re getting married!”
“Oh right,” Sactophrax said next to him. “I forgot to mention that. These mirrors take us to the future. They show us how Janie’s life is turning out. See, now that you’re dead, time doesn’t really matter anymore. Time only matters to mortals. You see, once you’re dead it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“How can it not matter?”
“Okay, let me try to explain this. Us demons know we’re damned. It’s over. From the moment Adam and Eve entered the Garden of Eden, we knew it was over for us. God wins, Satan loses, the end. The only reason to play the game is to win souls. Now, God’s all altruistic. He wants to win souls for the simple pleasure of seeing his children happy. Blech! See, we’re much more sophisticated. We want to win souls so we have something to do for eternity. Could you imagine being damned for all eternity with nothing to do? If I had to wallow in my own sorrows, that would be my own personal hell. So, instead I have you. I get to make you wallow in your personal hell. Great, huh? Well, not for you, so much.”
“I get it. You’re showing how her life would go without me.”
“Not quite. This isn’t A Wonderful Life. This is what actually happens to your wife. Only, we get to speed it up a bit. Time doesn’t matter once you’re dead. It only matters to those who get to make choices. Your choices are done. Can we get back to it now?”
“It’s not like I have a choice.”
“Wonderful! You’re getting it already! Let’s get to the next mirror.”
The next mirror was inside Mark’s house. But it wasn’t his anymore. Janie was in the living room, picking up some plates and glasses. She started from the room but tripped over a pair of shoes much bigger than her own, spilling the dishes on the wood floor. Broken glass was everywhere.
“What did you do now!” came a voice from another room.
In a moment Paul was there, standing over Janie.
“What do you think you are doing? Those aren’t cheap, you know.”
“You didn’t buy them,” she murmured.
“What? What did you say!”
“Nothing. I’ll clean it up.”
“That’s right. And do it fast. I don’t want to miss my show.”
“I miss you Mark,” she whispered. Paul still heard it.
“Mark? Mark is dead. I’m here. You should respect me!”
Janie whirled around and faced Paul.
“Respect? What respect do you deserve? You are so hate…”
Janie didn’t get to finish the rebuke. The back of Paul’s hand swung around and hit Janie, almost knocking her to the floor.
“Now what were you saying about respect?”
Janie didn’t answer, and Paul hit her again.
“I want an answer!”
“I can’t take this!” Mark shouted. “Why doesn’t she leave him?”
“Oh, hohoho,” Sactophrax laughed. “That’s your doing. You taught Janie she deserved abuse from men. It’s all she’s ever gotten.”
“I never hit her.”
“No, if you had, she may have left. What you did was much worse. You didn’t hurt her physically, you destroyed her confidence, her self-respect. You set her up for this.”
“Are you saying this is my fault?”
“Congratulations, genius. Oh, and it gets better. Wait until they start having children. More punching bags to play with for Paul.”
“No. No! I can’t watch this anymore. I won’t. This is more than I can bear.”
“You did this, you get to watch it. At least you don’t have to live it, like Janie does.”
Mark was silent.
“You know, I’m not supposed to jump ahead like this, but it gets even better. You see, Janie doesn’t take it forever. In about five years she’s going to shoot Paul in the head. She gets the death penalty and we get two new souls down here.”
Mark’s jaw dropped and he had to swallow several times before he could speak. “Two?”
“Oh yes. Paul was abusive, but Janie ends up a murderer.”
“No.” Tears started falling from Mark’s eyes. “She goes to hell because of me.”
“I know, isn’t it great? That’s the real perk of this job. Us demons don’t tempt mortals as much as you would think. We just steer you in the right, or wrong, as you might say, direction. Mortals think of so many great evils on their own.”
“I won’t let this happen. I’m going to stop it.”
“Stop it? You’re dead, Mark. Remember?”
“You said time doesn’t matter here. What if I go through one of these windows?”
Sactophrax’s face instantly went sober.
“You don’t want to do that, Mark. You’ve had it pretty good here. We wouldn’t want to have to get rough with you.”
“Rough? This is hell.”
“That’s the point!” All humor had left the demon. “You are meant to suffer!” “No. I’m going back.”
With that, Mark turned from the demon and started running towards the first mirror. He could hear Sactophrax scream behind him and then running feet. Quite a few of them. He looked over his shoulder and saw at least a dozen demons, faces contorted with rage, pursuing him. He got to the mirror and started banging his hands against the glass. It didn’t seem to budge. He hit harder, kicked, and slammed his weight against it.
The demons had caught up with him and were pulling him away from the mirror. He kicked them away and returned to the glass. He hit it again and a small crack appeared. He was about to kick the crack when he felt sharp teeth on his arm.
“Ow!”
“You broke the rules. If you don’t suffer like a good condemned soul, we get to hurt you!”
Mark threw his elbow back at the demon that was biting him, throwing it against the wall. He kicked the glass, lengthening the crack by several inches. Before he could kick it again two or three demons wrapped themselves around his legs. Unable to free himself from them, he threw his body at the glass, hands first. More cracks appeared. He beat his fists on the glass, cutting them on the cracks of glass. Blood started to flow down his hands. The demons had all reached him now and with the weight of twelve men on him, he started to sink to the ground.
“Please,” he tried.
“You thought there was mercy in hell?” Sactophrax leered.
“But I love my wife.”
“You should have thought about that when you still had her.”
Mark would have surrendered them, but for the first time, this wasn’t about him. This was about someone else. This was about Janie, and for the first time in too long, he realized he really loved her.
He let his knees touch the floor, and with the extra leverage, pushed up as hard as he could. He couldn’t get into a standing position, but that didn’t matter. He managed to move the hoard of demons forward one, two steps, then fell forward, against the glass of the mirror. He heard cracks spreading and then the sound of breaking glass. Everything went white, then dark.
***
Mark blinked and saw white. He closed his eyes and saw red through his eyelids. Where was he now?
“Mark? Are you there?”
Mark mumbled something incomprehensible.
“Mark, talk to me, please.”
“I’m here,” he croaked.
“It’s okay, Mark,” said another voice. A man’s voice. “You tried to check out on us, but we got you back. We’re on the way to the hospital.”
Mark opened his eyes again and saw a young man with a hat. The logo on the hat was for the local EMS service. He was alive. He wasn’t in hell. Was he there in the first place?
“I thought I died. I…was in hell.”
“Yeah, poisonous snake venom can do that to you,” the paramedic said. “You’re lucky to be speaking.”
“I’m so sorry, Janie. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “I know you had a bad day. I found the speeding tickets.”
“It’s no excuse. I need to be better.”
“We’ll talk about that later,” Janie said. “I’m just happy you’re alive. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too.”
***
A year later

Mark stood in the hospital for the second time in a year’s time. He couldn’t believe how much his life had changed. He still had a temper, he still said things to his wife that he shouldn’t, but he was trying. And things were getting better. They decided not to sell the house. He figured that if he had to work so hard to get a bigger house, maybe it wasn’t worth the stress it put on his family.
He still worried that his near death experience wasn’t a dream, that he really had died and had only cheated Satan. For a little while. When it was his time to go, would he just return to Sactophrax? Maybe he had only bought some time. He tried not to worry about it. All he could do was try his best to make things right. And hope. He could always hope.
Looking in the window he saw the nurse cleaning his new baby for the first time. That was something he’d put off too. He cared so much about money and what he had that he kept putting off having a child. He had known since he started dating Janie how much she wanted a little baby, and now they had one.
“It’s really a miracle, isn’t it,” a man next to him said. “I may be an old devil, but I can’t look at a baby without a smile coming to my face. I can’t believe so many of you mortals waste these experiences.”
Mark’s heart jumped. ‘Old devil’? ‘Mortals’?
“Yeah, it really happened. You got a second chance.”
“Sactophrax,” Mark whispered.
The man turned to face him. He actually wore a warm smile.
“In the flesh, so to speak.”
“It really happened?”
“Listen, I could give you the hellfire and horns show again, but I don’t want to scare the babies. So can you just trust me on this one?”
Mark couldn’t answer.
“Yeah it happened. And we’re not too happy to lose you.”
“Satan gave me a second chance?”
“No, of course not, you dolt! Satan wouldn’t have given you the first chance if he was in charge. No, you broke out. You cared so much, you got yourself out. You changed things.”
“I don’t have to go to hell?”
“See, that’s up to you. We’re still waiting for you. Just because you got a second chance doesn’t mean you won’t screw it up. You could still end up in my hands. And trust me, if we get you a second time, we won’t let go. And it won’t be as nice as the first time around, I’ll guarantee you that.”
“This is just too weird.”
“I know.”
They stood silent for a time.
“You know, we’re not aloud to tell you about the future, but…,” Sactophrax began.
“But what?”
“You’ve got a good one there. That baby. You see, it’s a good soul. Paul would’ve ruined it, and you still might. But that soul, well, if it turns out right, he’ll do things.”
“What things?”
“Sorry, genius, can’t tell you that. I shouldn’t have told you that much.”
“Why?”
“Why am I here telling you this?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it’s not everyday someone gets away from us. In fact, it almost never happens. It kind of…impresses me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“It’s like when you’re watching your favorite sports team get beat, but you know they played well. It’s just that the other team played a little bit better, they wanted it a little bit more. It’s hard to hate them for that. I can admire their effort.”
“So that’s it? We’re done?”
“Oh no. The thing about your team getting beat is that the next time you play, you’re going to try all that harder to win. In fact, we just dispatched three tempters just to work on you. You had better watch yourself.”
“I will. Um, thank you Sactophrax.”
“Don’t speak of it. Seriously, don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to get myself in trouble. I better get going.”
“Um, safe, er, travel.”
Sactophrax smiled. You too, Mark. You too.

Search Me

2008-07-07T20:30:00.002-05:00

I was checking my Google Analytics thingy that tells me cool things about the people who view my blog (well, not the people, but where you are and how you got here) and I thought I'd put the search phrases people enter to find my site. Just because. My comments will be in parenthesis.

"get er done" sayings (okay, I already said sorry)
"ice ice baby" copy infringement queen (because everyone should know Vanilla Ice ripped of Queen!)
'i am not a committee' (Well, I'm not)
archer farms wildberry italian soda (I believed I blogged about peach pear soda, thank you)
au pair girl (um, is that like a british farm girl? Ooh-lala)
dansco womens sandles (is that a brand?)
harry potter philosopher's (Yes, it's supposed to be the PHILOSPHER'S STONE. Darn you Scholastic!!!)
henry weinhard's root beer fort worth tx (Ooh baby, I'm getting excited just thinking about it)
judy booth, omaha (Judy, someone's stalking you...whoever you are)
killer guard dog picture (I bet this searcher was disappointed)
killer guard dogs (ditto)
matthew ware (Hi. I'm Mat)
omaha make your own sushi (Do they do that in Omaha?)
pillar procedure (Ah yes, the wonders of sleep apnea)
rmatthewware.blogspot.com (Thanks for visiting the site, but if you knew the address, you could have just put it in the address bar)
russell crowe look a like (Yeah, I wish. Just without the temper)
shoes lots (Shoes. Few. And under my bed.)
short story the bird girl (Thanks for reading the story!)
sockless (not often. I have a sock thing)
stupid sayings from larry the cable guy (...)
sushi sleep (Do Electronic Sushi Dream of Electronic People Eating Them?)
sushi+shoes (No. Heck no. **squishy**)

Happy...er...6th of July!

2008-07-06T18:49:00.003-05:00

I got to be at work until midnight on the fourth (woo-hoo), but I did step out at one point to view the fireworks for a few minutes. Ah, blowing stuff up to celebrate the country's birthday. Now, don't get me wrong. I like blowing stuff up. Given the chance, I'd be blowing stuff up with the rest of you. I didn't because I worked, fireworks are illegal in Independence, and you have to pay for the things you are exploding. So, I'm all for making stuff go boom. I just have a few requests. If you feel so inclined to ignite cute animals and cardboard tanks, please don't do so until 2 in the morning. In fact, you should stop some time around midnight. People have to sleep. Also, don't light something that sounds like a bomb exploding from a mile away. I'm not from Israel, so I don't know what it's like having bombs going off at random times and locations. And last, please pick up your mess. I don't think I need to drive over your spent fireworks. I know a lot of stuff flies through the air and gets driven off by the wind, but enough lands close enough to you that you should pick it up. Thank you.

As I watched the fireworks the other night, I was reminded of being in Salt Lake City during the Olympics. For the closing ceremonies the city put on what was, at the time, largest fireworks display in the country. Now, let me explain what the Salt Lake Valley is like for anyone who doesn't know. On the eastern side are large range of mountains. Think Colorado style mountains that keep their snow all year. On the other side are the Okra Mountains (no, it's not spelled that way, but that's how it's pronounced) that are a bit lower, but still decent sized mountains. And then on the north and south sides the valley raises up like a bowl, hence the valley. After the fireworks display that seemed to go on forever, the sound of that many fireworks exploding reverberated off the mountains for even longer than the display. It was like an extended roll of thunder. Very cool.

High School Yearbooks and what's attractive

2008-07-03T20:57:00.002-05:00

Tuesday night I was at my parent's house for our weekly dinner and was going through my high school yearbooks. I noticed something very interesting. Now, if you haven't looked at your yearbooks recently, I want you to take a moment and think about the popular classmates you had, who was popular, who was good looking. I'll give you a minute...

.

.

.

Okay, got it? So I opened up to our class and started flipping through senior pictures. And I noticed...some of the people I thought were good looking, weren't as great on reflection. I think there could be several things to explain why this happens:

When you have a limited inventory of people, you think people are better looking than they actually were. It's like the mission goggle thing. It also happens when you work somewhere that doesn't have a lot of people your age. The people you are around start to look better.
Over time your internal definition of what beauty is changes. You deepen as a person and start to notice things about people that you find more attractive.
Styles change. I noticed a lot of frizzy, curly hair. Um, light curls or straight hair, even pony tails (somtimes) works for me. Maybe in high school I went for curly, frizzy hair. I don't remember for sure.
Perhaps as you get older, you look at pictures of your 17-18 year old classmates and you just don't find people in that age group attractive. Hey, I'm attracted to older women.

So, whatever it is, the girls I used to think were all that, just don't seem to be as great as I remembered. It got me to thinking about beauty and perception and all that. I have never really gone for the drop dead gorgeous (so-called) women that are out there. I can recognize that a woman has a great body, but not be attracted to them at all. Case in point: Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. I just picked these two off the top of my head, but I can look at them and see that they have nice features, but they do nothing for me. On the other hand, my head will turn for someone that wouldn't be noticed by most people. And I have to believe there are more people like me out there. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I look at not so good looking men with beautiful women, and vice-versa. To each other, they really think their partner is attractive. I really find my wife attractive (because why would you marry someone you thought was ugly?). I know that not everyone would have the hots for my wife (good for me since she was still on the market when I finally ran into her) and I don't care. I like looking at her. And that's all that matters.

Now, before I start rambling, I'll quit. But there you go.

Jasper

2008-06-28T22:37:00.000-05:00

This is our new kitty. Our son is playing with him. Enjoy.

Just Checking

2008-06-27T20:12:00.001-05:00

I just wanted to pop in and see if my blog was still here. I haven't had much to say this week (so unlike me, I know) so I haven't. I may blog tomorrow about our new kitten. I haven't met him yet, so...

To all my friends that read my blog and seem to actually have a life outside of work, have a great weekend!

Sundry Items

2008-06-23T17:08:00.002-05:00

So I've realized (well, not for the first time) that I'm sometimes a jerk. I don't often wake up and decide, "I'm going to be a jerk today, just for fun." I think part of it is hereditary. The men in my family deal with rough tempers. I think I've figured out earlier how to keep it in much better control than my forbears, but it's still something I deal with. So Em, I'm sorry I suck.

Last night, right before going to bed, I checked my email. I've got my blog set up to email me when someone comments. Also, if I comment on someone else's blog, I can get it to email follow-up comments to me. So when my email came up, I had three Alison comments, two on my blog and one on Rhia's. I thought, "wo0-hoo! Alison's back!"

Speaking of recurring dreams, Rhia has now made two appearances in my sleeping hours, and both times she really didn't like me. Bad omens?

I really love Charles de Lint books. While they're somtimes a little hard to get through, they're about the only books I've read where I genuinely want to be nicer to people after reading them.

I hate it when I'm trying to give an extra effort at work to help and people just end up questioning my motives. Yesterday I was trying to help a coworker with her registrations and she went off on me. When I explained that if we could keep up with the registrations maybe the nurses et al would ease up on us both coworkers went off saying it won't do any good. Well you know, I can at least try. Then I can say I'm trying to make things better. Also, last night and today, I went around our work area and did some extra cleaning. Instead of getting a "hey, good job" or "thanks" I was asked when my next review is. It's October, by the way. I'm just trying to be nice. Kind of backfires sometimes. But I shouldn't give up.

We started pulling the wallpaper off the walls in our bedroom. It's the last room we need to paint, and boy, those walls need some work. I swear, the people who lived there before us did not take care of that house. But it's nice to see that we're getting closer.

Recurring Dreams

2008-06-21T23:40:00.003-05:00

Okay, first off, I was a bit harsh with Emily on the last blog, so I'm sorry about that. She's taken care of the mean hubby.

And on to my topic. Through my life I've had several recurring dreams. Some have gone away, some come back to visit sometimes. I wondered if anyone else has had similar ones, or have some of their own to share.

People talk about naked dreams. You show up at school, or another public place, naked. I don't think I've ever had one of those. I used to get barefoot dreams. I'd be at school with no shoes on, and I'd freak out. Looking back, I think it stemmed from keeping my shoes on most the time. I'd come home from school and keep the shoes. I wouldn't walk around barefoot a lot. I'd even sleep with my socks on. I've gotten past that. I wear sandals and I go to bed sockless. Unless it's cold, then I keep the socks, but I often change them so they aren't too grungy.
One that used to really freak me out was one I had all the time. I would be lying in the road and a car would be coming towards me. I'd try to get up and crawl from the road, but I would never have the energy to do it. Of course you always wake up at the last minute, but freaky!
Another one would put me in this white room and the walls would be closing in. This one was unique because my younger sister, Stacie, would be there with me. The mental picture that I have with this one is her standing behind me as the wall comes towards us. Again, I always wake up before getting crushed. Another unique part of this dream was it was the first one I stopped by "finishing it". When I was awake, I'd visualize me holding this gun (I was young okay) and I'd fire it at the door, making it go back. Fire enough times and we'd be okay. It's kind of cool I figured that one out at such a young age.
One I still get is the one where you have to use the restroom and can't find one. These can be longer dreams. I'll search and search for a restroom to use and never find one, or if I did, it would be to gross to use. On rare occasions I find one, but as much as I go, the pressure doesn't relieve. Which is a good thing, because this dreams I really need to go to the restroom, and I suppose if I did feel relieved, I would have to change the sheets.

So anyway, that's what I've got for now. You?

Stupid Sayings

2008-06-20T18:26:00.002-05:00

My wife and I have now fought twice over a saying she's used around me. The saying is: "Six of one, half a dozen of another". I can't remember what context she used it in, but she was meaning to say "it's the same thing". Apparently she thinks she's used this saying a lot since we've been together. Um...she had only used it once and I told her she should just say "it's the same thing" because I know what that means. No one I have ever met has used her saying, and it's longer than saying "it's the same thing". Now, if we lived somewhere that people used this phrase, that would be fine. But again, I've never heard it.

It got me to thinking of stupid things people say that don't mean much, or that are kind of stupid to hear. I worked with a girl from Michigan who noticed a phrase people would use in Missouri that really bugged her. It was "I tell you what". It seems that this little phrase has gained in popularity because I even use it, though I try to pronounce the "I'll" so it's actually good grammar. The way the phrase is used is someone will be trying to make a point and they'll say "I tell you what" then they'll go on to tell you. I had a southern companion on the mission who'd say it. He said that where he was from you didn't even have to tell you what point they were trying to tell you. One person would say "I tell you what", another would say "What?" and the first would say "I just done told you". In that case it seems you just have to know what he was wanting to tell you, like "Government, I tell you what." Then I guess you just have to already know they're opinions on government.

Another saying that I hate is "Git 'er done". This one has started gaining prominence in local advertisements. It came to fame from Larry the Cable Guy, who is an oversized six year old who thinks potty humor is funny. I'm not even sure what the saying means, but a few local businesses have started using the phrase. One, a car salesman, tells you to come in, and we'll get 'er done. Who are we getting done, Mr Car Salesman? And shouldn't we leave her alone? I just want a car, let's leave the ladies out of it.

And this brings me to our beloved state's motto: The Show-Me State. If you've ever been stuck behind a car from Missouri you've seen our motto pasted across the lisense plate. What the crap does it mean, you ask? I guess Missourians used to be known for the fact that they were very skeptical. You'd have to prove something to them before they'd believe it. Thus the saying means, you have to show them for them to believe you. Now, in a stunning move to prove the intelligence level of our state, I guess there was a ballot (that I missed) to decide on the new license plate for our state. The winner was chosen and they started printing the new plates. But here's the kicker, "Show-Me" is supposed to have a hyphen. The winner on the ballot didn't have one because someone screwed up. No one caught the mistake, so now the plate will read "Show Me State" and they're blaming the voters for voting for the mistake. Good job guys, way to make us look intelligent.

So anyway, anyone out on the blogosphere have stupid sayings you hear? Let me know, I'm sure I've missed some.

Marketing genius

2008-06-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

After bad experiences at Jiffy Lube and Valvoline I went to Wal-mart
for my oil change. While walking the store waiting for the oil change
I ran across these vintage rapped candy bars. Sorry, I'm a sucker for
vintage. I wouldn't have bought a candy bar today, let alone four.
They just looked so cool. The end.

Job vs Career: The Deathmatch!

2008-06-16T20:23:00.002-05:00

This is my job. Not a career. If this was my career, I'd have to step in front of a bus. (my favorite quote from The Office)

Anyway. My branch president when I was still in the Single's Branch used to ask "what do you want to be when you grow up". It took getting that question several times before I understood what he was talking about. A job is what you do to pay the bills. A career is what you do the rest of your life to support your family and maybe even find a little fulfilment. See, what I do now pays well. In fact, if I started teaching at a public school tomorrow, I'd have to take a severe pay cut. There is an insurance plan (though starting July 1, it will really suck) and a 401K. So, this could be a career. But not for me. I know enough about myself that I couldn't do this job forever. In fact, I'll be lucky if I make it the next two years. It's a job that is pretty easy (for me, anyway) but doesn't receive any kind of respect. Anyone on the medical side of things (doctors, nurses, care assistants, etc) have nothing but contempt for the people in admissions. They think we're terrible, lazy, stupid people; until they need us to do something they can't. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how much you help out or how nice you are, you will never get respect from most people.

So, eventually I'll move on.

A couple of years ago my wife and I were talking about career options and going back to school, and we decided to send her back first. Going from a Patient Care Tech (think nurse assistant) to a full RN would double her salary. And she could do it in two years or less. For me, I would have to go to school for four years, and, if I became a teacher, get paid substantially less money. I'm glad we made that decision for quite a few reasons. We will get out of debt much faster than we would have, and with entering a traveling nurse program, she would make double the starting nurse salary AND our housing would be covered the whole time. So, lots of money to save towards a future house.

My plans are to do online classes during the two years of traveling so I'd be ready to enter a elementary education program at whatever university we end up near.

That all sounds good, but right now, I'm so freaking bored. I go to work for five days, get two off, go back, and on and on. It's boring the snot out of me, and I know it's not going to get better anytime soon. I feel like I'm stagnating in many ways.

So, this is my tentative game plan, feel free to comment or make suggestions:

One of the things I have been interested in is learning to draw, paint, sketch, whatever. I figured the cheapest and easiest way to get a start on that and figure out if I like art is to try to learn to draw. Next month is my birthday and I asked my parents for a gift card to Half-Priced Books (aka Half-Priced HEAVEN!) and will pick up a book to teach me to draw.
I also wanted to see if I could learn the guitar. I played the trombone throughout school, and really enjoyed the experience, but the trombone is just not one of those things you can sit at home and do alone. You need a band, and I'm just not into that. The guitar you can do alone, and I think it would be fun. So I might see if my mom still has her old guitar she hasn't touched in years and get one of those guitar playing for dummies things and take a crack at it.
I need to start writing again. I feel now that I don't know enough to spend my time writing novels, so I want to work on short stories again.
I really need to do my home teaching.
At church I'm a membership clerk, but with my work schedule I haven't really done much with it this year. The guy that does most the work has taken ill lately so I've been asked to step it up a little. So I'll work on that.

That's it right now. Comments below :)

Sometimes I'm Such a Girl

2008-06-13T18:09:00.003-05:00

Not that being a girl is a bad thing.

So, I've never owned a pair of sandals before. Years ago, when I was just a little kid, I had worn a pair of thongs (back when you could still call them that) when I'd go to my grandparents. I've never owned a pair of my own or worn them on a regular basis.

On our vacation to Omaha I decided I might like to have a pair, so I got a nice pair of Hush Puppy sandals at DSW and wore them. They rubbed a bit, but were never really uncomfortable. I noticed after vacation that I had a red mark on the top of my right foot. Yesterday we took a walk around our neighborhood, a stroll that's about a mile and a half. They're so nice when it's hot out. Well, they wore again, but never to the point of pain. After I got home I noticed I had rubbed right through the skin. Ick. I didn't have to go out again, so I didn't worry about it. Today I went to go cut down a little tree that keeps trying to grow out of the side of the house and just threw on the sandals. Well, leather rubbing against a hole in your skin isn't pleasant. So, I put on the dreaded sandal band-aid! I know you women know what I'm talking about. I see the sandal band-aid on many a woman's foot, but until now I hadn't really thought about it. I can now not just sympathize with our sandal-wearing women folk, I can now empathize. Sandals, though so very nice to wear in the summer, have their price.

The Host, by Stephenie Meyer

2008-06-09T18:38:00.002-05:00

I finished this novel at about four in the morning, and I HAD to stay up to finish it. I pretty much guessed the ending with 100 or so pages left, but you know that little doubt that maybe it will go different, that the author is leading you one way just to snatch you back? Yeah, I had to go to the ending. And did I cry.

No.

But I wanted to.

This book was a good scifi novel. I know that people have a hard time getting into the genre if they're not already a fan, but this is good because it's about people and their relations and emotions first, set in a world that forces them to deal with these emotions. Confusing? Well, I don't want to give too much away to the maybe one person who reads my blog that hasn't finished yet.

Okay, let me give you the break down. I think I liked The Host more than the Twilight Novels. I liked the story, its climax, and resolution better. It was fun and interesting. Not to say I dislike the Twilight books, I really like them. This, to me, was just better.

A few things I've noticed about Stephenie Meyer:

She loves exploring the dual natures of women, and yes, women have dual natures. She does this by having two guys in love with the same woman, guys that are very different from each other, forcing the main woman to have to decide which side of their personality to trust.
She loves Arizona and the Pacific Northwest.
She rambles. All four books had significant boring sections that could have been cut entirely, or at least shortened to keep the dialog moving. I'm not saying all the emotional stuff bores me, I just think she could work on speeding up the narrative at points. She has enough interesting stuff that she could cut some of the introspection.

Okay, that's it. Loved the novel. Looking forward to Breaking Dawn.

Honeysuckle

2008-06-07T14:31:00.003-05:00

On the way home last night (about 12:30 in the morning) I decided to ride with the windows down. After the thunderstorms, Kansas City had a distinctly honeysuckle scent. It wasn't even dimmed by the Bayer chemical plant I passed on the way home.

Good times.

The beginning of the end

2008-06-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

I had my semi-annual haircut today (seriously, I let it get too long)
and was given some fun news. While the stylist was trimming my
seriously bushy sideburns she mentioned I had some greys. Wha? I
looked down at the cut hair on the plastic sheet and, among its dark
comrades were a few fallen greys.

Shudder.

Lesser men would have ordered the entire grey-infested region shaved
off, but not me. Those men, er hairs, have earned their place. And
sure, more will follow, but I will wear them with pride. Maybe I'm
finally growing up.

*shakes magic eight ball*

Not likely.

Sleep Apnea Saga

2008-06-02T18:01:00.002-05:00

I had my first appointment with my sleep specialist doctor person since getting my CPAP, and this is what I learned:

1. I stop breathing 25 per hour without the CPAP. The doctor said anything above 20 is bad and basically results in cutting your life expectancy by one half. So it's good I'm starting on the CPAP. I'd rather live past 40 years old, thank you very much.

2. I need to lose 50 pounds, which was basically my goal anyway, but this puts an exclamation point on it.

3. A surgery to aid the sleep apnea would be very painful and only work in 1 out of 4 people, so I might as well just keep the CPAP for now.

4. Weight loss could make the sleep apnea better, but probably not. Genetics and hereditary has gifted me with a certain size of body with another size of internal stuff (tonsils, etc) that don't match.

5. Skinny people have sleep apnea too.

6. Every once in a while, though not enough to freak out about, my brain forgets to tell me to breath.

7. My oxygen level in the blood stream was lower than it was supposed to be, but the lung tests they did today showed I'm not bad enough off to really worry about.

So basically, I just need to get used to the CPAP, lose some weight, and things should go well. My doctor has a "if it's not broke, don't fix it" mentality, which works for me. I don't want unnecessary treatments or procedures if I can cope with what I've got. I know the first doctor I saw was interested in surgical options, but why go through a painful procedure if I'm just going to have to keep the CPAP anyway?

I also learned that my behavior with the CPAP (taking it off during the night) is completely normal and I just need to get used to having it on. The doctor said I could use a mild sleeping aid if I thought I needed it, to get to sleep, but I declined for now. Even though it's not habit forming, I'd rather let my body try to adapt first. And I don't have trouble falling asleep with the CPAP, my problem is keeping it on, which, again, is normal for someone getting started.

I need to reeducate myself in the literary realm

2008-06-01T00:08:00.002-05:00

There's all these books that people read growing up and they go and reflect on them. Such the Roald Dahl books, the CS Lewis stories, and so on and so forth. When I was young, I read Fear Street, by RL Stine. He was probably my favorite author at the time. I'm not saying I regret that, I just think I missed a lot of other things. I read James and the Giant Peach in elementary school, as well as Charlotte's Web, and some Mark Twain, but I think I missed a lot of the childhood classics.

And children's books haven't worn old on me. In fact, I'm reading one right now. Something I learned as a missionary is that yound kids are a lot smarter and retain a lot more information than us older people give them credit for. Sure, they're immature and bratty, but that's okay. They haven't developed a maturity, but they are smart. And someone who writes children's novels, if they are to be successful, can't be condescending. Sure, they may keep the plot development a little more simple, and stay away from sex and language, but they can still tell a wildly entertaining story, and often make a good point as they do it.

So, I'd like to catch up on all the authors I missed as a child, like Roald Dahl, and Beverly Cleary, because I can. I don't have to pull the macho trip that so many guys do and say that they're kid books or girl books. I can read these and decide if I like them, regardless of what my peers think. And that's the great thing about being out of school. You no longer have to worry about being cool or being made fun of anymore. Sure, people may still do it, but I just don't care.

I read this line in a Charles de Lint book where a father is explaining to his high school son that things will get better. The son asks when, and the father replies "the day after". The confused son asks, "the day after what?". "The day after graduation," his father replies. I remember starting community college a few months after graduating high school, and though some of the faces were the same, it was a completely different element. People didn't care about cliques and what was cool. They were there for the education. They were (more or less) serious now.

So, tagent aside, I want to read the kids books I missed to see what I was missing.

Omaha Vacation

2008-05-29T23:07:00.003-05:00

I'm home and back at work, so let's take this time to reflect on the last several days of vacation. Without mention of sodas.

Sunday
Our friend Suzzanne had ridden down from Omaha with friends Friday night and was staying with us. We got up and went to church with my parents at 8:30. After that we drove to Council Bluffs, Iowa to see the Kanesville Tabernacle. This is the place Brigham Young was sustained as president of the church. What I didn't know until reading the last Work and the Glory Book was that he wasn't sustained until after getting to the Salt Lake Valley and coming back. After Joseph Smith's death, he lead the church not as president but as president of the quorum of the twelve apostles. I knew that part, but I figured as soon as they got to Council Bluffs he was sustained. Nope. Not until going to SLC and back.

Anyway, the original tabernacle doesn't exist anymore, it was torn down not too long after its construction. It was made of cotton wood, which apparently isn't a good material for building things. It shrinks a great deal over time, and is a good attracter of fungus. The replica was built a few blocks from the original and the church, wanting to be realistic, used cotton wood. The inside support pillars, also made of the wood, are attached to a jack underneath the structure, which will lower as the walls shrink and lower, to keep the roof level. The senior missionary there said that the walls had shrunk a total of 14 inches since construction. And they have to remove mushrooms that grow on the wall and ceiling.

After all this we checked into our hotel, the elegant Magnolia Hotel, nestled between the downtown and Old Market areas. A prime location. Well, the hotel didn't have baths, it had showers. It had room for bath tubs, but they decided on showers. Okay. A bath would have been nice, considering my house doesn't have a tub. And the TV had local channels, about ten sport channels, a few news channels, and maybe four cable channels. Not impressive. But they had pay-per-view. I remember from having cable in our home the wonders of pay-per-view and being able to rent a movie for about $4. So, we looked through the movie selection until we found something we liked. We pressed the button to order, and saw that the movie was $11.99. We decided not to enjoy a movie that night.

The room had free coffee, or we could enjoy a Fiji water for only $5. There was no mini fridge or microwave, which would have been nice, and no pool, which I already knew about, but it would have been nice.

The plusses about the place was that it is a historic building in a beautiful area. The architecture was cool, and the staff was nice. I would just think that for the price, there would be more amenities.

Oh, and they had valet parking. Which they charged $12 a night for (no, you couldn't park your own car). I figured for that, they didn't need tips too, though it seemed they sort of waited for one. We did give the guy a tip while we were checking out, considering he helped load our car.

Also on Sunday night we went to Sullivan's Steakhouse. But I already blogged about that. What I forgot was the severe thunderstorm we caught ourselves in afterwards. After dinner we went to the Gene Leahy Mall, which is really a park with a sort of river going through the middle. It's actually pretty cool, though Suzzanne tells us to be careful of drug paraphanelia. We saw some storm clouds to the south, but didn't think much of it. We let Will play on the grass and watch the swans. Then Emily looks to the south and sees the clouds coming in much faster, along with lightning close by. We decided to make a hasty exit. The hotel was maybe eight blocks away from the park, and a few before making it, the wind picked up and started blowing sand in our faces. Not too fun for me, even less for Emily and her contacts. As we crossed the final street to our hotel, I was blown a foot to my left. I knew it was time to get indoors.

Monday
Most things are closed in Omaha on Monday, entertainment-wise. So we went to Lauritzen Gardens in the morning and the Henry Doorley Zoo in the afternoon. Both were cool, to us anyway, but the zoo is a bit busy on Memorial Day (I honestly didn't plan a Memorial Day vacation when I asked off, it was just the first week Emily was out of school). We ate at this Mexican place between the gardens and the zoo that was wonderful. The menu was in Spanish first, English Second. And they sold real Coca-Cola (previously blogged about) in glass bottles that used sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup. Goodness.

That evening Will was understandably getting tired. In fact, at lunch he sat next to me on the booth and just fell asleep. Anyway, he was getting cranky, not getting the long naps he was used to. We went to the mall in an attempt to burn time before dinner, but Will had had enough. So we stopped at this padded play area and turned him loose. He. Loved. It. I swear he just ran around and played for over an hour. Afterwards we went to The Amazing Pizza Machine, a place kind of like Chuck E Cheese's, only ten times better. There's a pizza buffet with pizza, tacos, salad, desserts, fried chicken, and, Emily's favorite, at least four varities of slushies. After eating we let Will play around in the little kids area. There was even this little train that he could ride on. He loved it.

Tuesday
We were going to go to the children's museum just a few blocks from the hotel today for Will then an adult museum (not that kind of adult) for us in the afternoon. Emily's mother happened to call and tell us that the one in Omaha wasn't that great, but the one in Lincoln was much better. It was. It was three stories and had water play areas, a mini town with fake restaurant, hospital, grocery store, and construction area, air planes, a NASA rover, and quite a bit of other play areas.

We hadn't been there long when Will started one of his famous freakouts. We decided to leave to get lunch. After we came back and he actually got a few more hours of play before freaking out again. Not bad considering we screwed up his nap schedule.

That night we dropped him off with Judy, Suzzanne's mother, while Suzzanne, Emiliy, and I went to see Prince Caspian (great movie by the way). When we got back, Judy had put Will to bed. He had freaked out when she put him on the bed, so she put him in this camp chair that had raised sides and front. He was so cute, but I don't think we took a picture.

Wednesday
This was our last day, and we were getting tired. We hadn't spent much time in the Old Market (the sort of historic, trendy, independent (liberal) thinking area) so that's where we went after checking out of the hotel. We checked out an antique shop and a modern American Indian sort of shop then went to the used bookshop. Heaven in a dilapidated building. We walked out with ten books between the two of us. Yes, I know I'm an addict, and I don't want any help.

Next we went to Old Chicago for a last lunch with Suzzanne. When we said goodbye I think Will knew we wouldn't see her again for a while because he kept wanting to go to her, even when it meant leaving me (he's been clingly to his daddy lately) and he was upset when we parted. Very sad.

Anyway, we went to Homer's Music and walked out with a bunch of used CD's, including Queen's Greatest Hits, volumes 1-3. Woo-hoo!

After one or two more stores, I knew it was time to go, so we skipped the rest and hit the road. I wasn't even out of Iowa before I had to pull over to have Emily drive (I had driven less than an hour). But that's okay, because fifteen minutes before getting home, Emily had to stop and we traded again.

Over all, it was a great vacation, we had a lot of fun, I'm still tired, and Emily and I didn't fight once on our trip. That's got to be a miracle in itself.

My most favorite root beer...ever

2008-05-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

Henry Weinhard's root beer is the best I've had, and it's been five
years since I've had the chance. You can get them in the store in Salt
Lake City but I've found them nowhere around here. Well, we were at
Old Chicago in Omaha today and they carried it.

You know how if you haven't had something for a long time your memory
of it can make it better than it really was and you get disappointed
the next time you have it?

This wasn't like that. The quality of the soda was as good as its
memory.

Then later we ended up at Homer's Music in the Old Market area, and
they sold it too. Not only did we buy the root beer, we also got the
Orange Cream and Vanilla Cream sodas.

Now what's so good about this stuff? Other than the glass bottle, the
root beer is made with sassafrass, vanilla, and honey. It also is
draft style so it has a good head of foam like a quslity beer, without
the need to see your bishop.

Mmm, good times.

Oh, and it's bottled in Fort Worth, so if I move down there, maybe
I'll be able to find it more often.

Hehehe

2008-05-26T21:35:00.000-05:00

This is our soda (and one water) find so far on our vacation.

First is IBC Cherry Limeade. Pretty good, but IBC usually is.

Second is Swedish Kristall Black Currant. Tastes like a watered down,
carbonated prune juice.

Third is Natural Brew Draft Root Beer. Haven't tasted it yet, but I
love root beer.

Fourth is Virgil's Black Cherry Cream Soda. It's lighter on the
stomach than red cream soda, with wonderful black cherry flavor.

Fifth is Dry Rhubarb Soda. It's advertised as refreshingly tart and
complex. If by "refreshingly tart and complex" they mean "just like
ass", then they hit it right on the head. Not that I know what ass
tastes like. I'm just sayin'.

Six is water, and the only beverage in the picture not in a glass
bottle. It's called Metromint Orangemint Water. It tastes like I just
swallowed orange flavored toothpaste with fresh water. Not a bad
sensation actually.

Seven is Coca-Cola, bottled in Mexico. It is made with real sugar
instead of high fructose corn syrup, and about the only Coca-Cola I've
actually liked. We got it at a small Mexican restaurant near the Omaha
Zoo. The food was good too.

Eight is Reed's Spiced Apple Brew. I haven't had it before, but the
cashier said it was awesome.

And last but not least, number nine is Virgil's Root Beer, which I've
had before. Very good. It folows the rule that soda should be in a
glass bottle, and that it should be micro brewed.

For the record, numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 9 are from Whole Foods
supermarket, which might have to be my favorite sofa supplier from now
on. Sorry World Market, you've let me down too often.

Sullivan's

2008-05-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

Today was our first day in Omaha. For dinner we went to Sullivan's
Steakhouse (I know it's Sunday, don't judge me). This is the kind of
place you go because you have money or you REALLY want to impress a
girl. I just wanted to do something really nice for my wife.

What it isn't is a place for young children. Yes, they had a high
chair, but the manager mentioned it was the first time it had been used.

Now, before you start thinking the wrong thing, all the staff was very
nice and the waitress did all she could to help us with Will, short of
carrying him around on her shoulders.

Anyway, Will had been locked up in his car seat for three hours, plus
the 70 minutes if sacrament, and being told to sit down and be quiet
every time we went somewhere. So he was a little upset.

Considering all this, he did pretty well, but we knew he wouldn't last
through desert. We took it to go and went back to the hotel.

Also, we stopped at the Kanesville Tabernacle where Brigham Young was
sustained as president of the church. I'd never been there before and
it was pretty cool.

Sent from my iPhone

Wicked

2008-05-24T21:52:00.000-05:00

We saw Wicked at The Music Hall this afternoon. It was great. I'd seen
it a few years ago in St Louis, and it was great. But this was better.
The lady who played Glinda was awesome. She had so much energy and was
all over the stage. It was so much fun.

On another note, after my new gas friendly driving habits, I averaged
32 mpg, I had been getting 27 mpg. Woo hoo.

Sent from my iPhone

New Indy Movie

2008-05-22T13:42:00.000-05:00

Last night we saw Indy 4 at the midnight showing. I'd never gone to a
midnight showing before, but it was interesting. We went to Barnes and
Noble first to kill time and ended up buying three books. Not bad for
us. They closed at 11 so we had to go to the theater then.

It was nice that we didn't have to stand in line like AMC sometimes
makes you. We got to go in and sit right down. We went to the side
where they have the couples seats. That way we didn't have to sit next
to annoying people.

For an hour we sat and read our new purchases before the movie began.
The theater pretty much filled up, but other than a few stupid cheers,
they were pretty well behaved.

The movie was decent. I'd say it's my second favorite Indy film,
behind Last Crusade. Harrison Ford didn't look too bad, and aside from
a stupid scene involving a fridge, I really liked it.

It obviously set up a new franchise with Shia le Bouf playing the
lead, and it even paid homage to previous characters Brody, and Henry
Jones Sr.

So anyway, the movie wasn't the best thing ever, but go see it. Your
money won't be wasted.

Sent from my iPhone

I need to blog...

2008-05-19T22:21:00.002-05:00

...but I don't have a topic in mind, so I might ramble.

Okay, first. I got my new air filter for my car. This may sound silly, but it could be a big deal. I had to order it online, because none of the auto parts stores carried it. It's a K&N filter, which is a filter that you can clean yourself and reuse for the life of your car. You never need to buy a new filter. And, it's supposed to increase horsepower, which could increase gas milage, but maybe not.

Second, with gas at about $3.59 in Independekansascity, I'm trying to drive nicer to save. This includes not flooring the gas pedal when getting on the highway, not screeching on the brakes, and not zipping around people in traffic. I'm actually driving the speed limit. And, if I find someone driving slower, I get behind them and drive even slower, because I don't want to be the loser going five under that people hate. I'll behind that person, so maybe I'll even get sympathy. Hey, I don't mean to be a dork, but gas is expensive. Just nine years ago I was filling up for 99 cents a gallon. Of course, it helps that I never drive in rush hour traffic, so I CAN drive at a slower pace and not get run off the road.

Third, vacation starts in an hour and a half, and I'm happy. It's the first full vacation I've taken since starting this job seven months ago (I took a weekend off several months ago), and I'm not sure how long it was at my last job since I had vacation. Tuesday through Friday is just getting stuff around the home done. Saturday we see Wicked at the Music Hall, and Sunday through Wednesday we'll be staying in downtown Omaha (hooray!).

Fourth, I have a doctors appointment at 9:15 in the morning. I have to sign up for our new insurance plan at work. The premiums are decent, but the deductibles are going way up. But, if I get a free health screening beforehand, they'll give me another $300 towards the deductible. But I have to fast for 12 hours before doing the glucose test. :(

Fifth, a few months ago I was going through some of Emily's old documents and throwing away what wasn't needed (it was the same time we figured out she's attended ten different colleges/universities). During this process, we found some old savings bonds she's had. She had cashed most of them out by now, but still had these. She had four $50 notes left, and I mentioned she should cash them out before vacation, just to have a little extra money left. Well, these notes keep accumulating interest after they mature. Today Emily went to the bank and discovered that these notes, face valued at $200 were worth $766. Yeah, she just paid for our vacation.

I think that's about it. So, not too much excitement yet, but in a few days....

Shoes, lots of shoes

2008-05-15T22:49:00.002-05:00

We decided this week that we needed some new sandals for our vacation next week in Omaha. Myself, I've never owned a pair and have rarely worn them, but I think they'll be nice for our vacation. Emily wears hers all the time, but her Born sandals are four years old, maybe older, and need replacing.

Mine were easier. We went to DSW and checked them out. There was a nice set of Born's for $60, but the straps cut into the sides of my feet, so I passed. Then I saw a pair of Hush Puppies for $40 that felt great, so I got those. And, after checking the clearance rack, I found a nice pair of Asics for $28. Not too shabby.

Emily was more difficult. She's flat-footed, and shoes give her more problems. Her Crocs are great, because they're flat. But tennis shoes are trickier. The selection of women's sandals at DSW was dismal, even though two thirds of the store is dedicated to women's shoes. So we went to the mall to check out Doc Martens at Steve's. Only, Steve's wasn't there anymore. It had been replaced by The Walking Company. We went in and Emily asked what was a good walking sandal. The saleswoman pointed at a shoe and said those were good. She didn't offer to get any out or any alternatives. So Emily tried them on, and didn't like them. She asked if there wasn't any others. By this point we had both mentioned to this woman that Emily had no arch, and that a shoe with a high arch probably wasn't the best option. The woman insisted she was wrong and indicated an even more expensive shoe. Emily told her it was out of her price range, which seemed to turn off the woman even more. Somehow I think she had decided when we walked in that we were in the wrong income tax bracket for her store. Hey honey, you're working commission. Shut up and show us the shoe.

Anyway, we gave up and went home for the night. The next day we went downtown to the Plaza and checked out their shops. Emily remembered there being a Steve's down there, so we looked for it. No dice. In its place was The Walking Company. Emily wanted to give it another chance, but I decided to try other options first. We got a map of the Plaza and walked around to a few of the stores before hitting up E. G. Geller, a shoe store that exists only in Dallas, Houston, and Kansas City (apparently the owner is from Texas and has family up here). A wonderfully nice woman named Camille (okay, she was a red head, which I like, but she was nice. Remind me to tell you about the girl who dyed her hair red after I mentioned I liked them) helped us out. Emily mentioned her arch problem, and the saleswoman mentioned that she had the same problem. She recommended a sandal she had worn in Italy. Emily loved it and it was funky (and more expensive than anything we saw at The Walking Company). The woman, wanting to make sure Emily was happy with her choice, showed her several other sandals before Emily decided on the first one.

The point here is that a nice woman (and I swear it wasn't just because of her hair) sold a sandal because she was kind and new her shoes and was willing to help out a customer. Isn't that the definition of sales? Getting someone to buy something because they need it? Anyway, Emily had her wonderfully funky shoes and will have them broken in by the time we go to Omaha. And the woman said that they'll last twice as long as her Born shoes. I told Emily that if she likes them and they improve her quality of life, that she can come back in the fall and look at a good shoe for hospital work.

I'm not feeling that stimulated

2008-05-15T17:59:00.002-05:00

We got our stimulus check today, or rather it was deposited into my account today. We got $900, which seems like a lot until you consider I was expecting anywhere between $1200-1500. But whatever. It's money, it's my money (because I'm the taxpayer) and I'll use it. Or, we'll use it, because it's going to our vacation.

What gets me is that I know that $900 is nice to have in my pocket, but the policies of our administration (that I have to admit I voted for, twice) is making things worse. Look at gas prices. Sure, there simply isn't enough oil on the market, but part of the reason gas is so high is because the US dollar is so weak. When you print off money that doesn't come from anywhere, the value goes down. And I'm not just talking about these stimulus checks, I'm talking about the administration's policy to spend money like drunken sailors without having the funds to back it up.

No, that's harsh. A drunken sailor will stop spending money when he runs out. And a drunken sailor will go back to work when it sobers up. The government spends money that it doesn't have (think of having a credit card with a Trillion dollar limit, only they can raise their limit whenever they want, without making minimum monthly payments) and they don't really take care of the taxpayer that is the whole reason the government has money.

So, they keep spending money that they don't have, which lowers the value of the dollar, so the oil suppliers want more dollars per gallon because they know that our dollar doesn't mean as much.

When it comes to taxes, you should either have higher taxes with higher spending (which I don't like) or lower taxes with lower spending (which is better for the economy). We have low taxes and high spending.

Do you remember that movie Dave? This guy impersonates the president and brings in an accountant to fix the budget. After going after things, the guy says that if he ran his business like that, he'd be out of business. Our government should be better stewards. But they don't see themselves as stewards, they see themselves as gods.

I am the Elephant Man

2008-05-12T16:37:00.000-05:00

This is my new CPAP I got today and will use the first time tonight.
It uses the new nasal pillow attachment, so I'd's not a full mask.
Actually, it's pretty comfortable, and quiet. The pillows (a soft
plastic piece that rests against the nose) are nice, it'll just take a
while to get used to the forced air. And I got it in time for vacation
(which starts in eight days.

More things you may not know about me

2008-05-09T23:03:00.002-05:00

I hadn't been married long when Cake came to KC. I didn't know them too well, but got tickets because Emily loved them. I copied the CDs she had and listened to them over and over, even while driving to the concert, so I'd know their songs. It was a fun concert, even though quite a few people were smoking joints and we got contact highs. I swear we had the munchies after the concert. And Emily was pregnant. Will seems okay.

I can't maintain a constant speed on the highway to save my life without using cruise control.

I can't fake interest in something. Whey I try, people know I don't care about what they're saying. I guess it means I'm not fake, but I think it comes off as rude sometimes.

I feel like I always have to accomplish something. When reading, though I enjoy it, I feel like it isn't just for enjoyment. It's to expand myself as well. Everything I do is for some end, not just enjoyment. Even watching DVDs, I do it to accomplish the season or the movie, to learn, or to say that I've seen it.

I want to read everything. I want to have a large private library in my own and be able to give you a mini review of every book I've read, just form memory. And not seem snobbish about it.

I love pipe organ music.

I miss taking long drives.

When I pass wind, I have to say "excuse me", even if no one is around.

If you want to know how I am with friends and life in general, read the last short story in Charles de Lint's Dreams Underfoot, titled "Tallulah". It's pretty accurate. Except for the drugs and sex, that is.

Sundry Items

2008-05-08T21:09:00.002-05:00

Just a few fun items that don't really deserve their own blog, but wanted to share anyway.

Me, Emily, and Will went to see Iron Man on Wednesday. Or Tuesday. Yeah, it was Tuesday. Anyway, it was really good. And though Will did pretty good, I don't think he's quite ready for movies yet. If the movie had been five minutes longer (and it wasn't that long to begin with) and we would have had a full 18 month child freak out. But the movie was really fun, with a lot of self-depricating humor. And Gwynyth Paltrow works as a red head.
For mother's day, Emily got a new set of knives (our old ones sucked), four wooden spoons (again the old suckage), a four cup measuring bowl (she broke the old one, but not through violence), and a book. Yes, we celebrated yesterday because we don't see a lot of each other on Monday's. The book was a leather bound Barnes and Noble version of The Complete Jane Austen, all 7 novels in one book. She liked all the gifts.
I also bought Stephenie Meyer's The Host for her, as more of a end of semester gift.
I sustained a somewhat severe injury yesterday. I was cleaning the bathroom floor, and when I went to stand up (which I did fairly quickly) I bashed my head on the corner of the cabinet door. In a moment I was back on the floor, head clutched in hand. Emily, who I don't think saw the incident, so much as hearing the impact and then seeing me on my knees, clutching my head, rushed to my side. Blood was flowing (or at least trickling) and she nursed me to health. She was even able to check my acuity, which was nice. I actually bled for quite a while. And it really hurt. I still had a headache today. But it's clotted over nice, and I don't think it's negatively affected the sexy (snort) shape of my head.
I get my CPAP (that wonderful sleeping aid for my sleep apnea) on Monday. I'm excited. I wonder what it's like to get a good night's sleep, able to conquer the day on just 8 hours. I'll let you know when I find out.

And that's it for now.

Yes, I'm Tall

2008-05-05T21:32:00.002-05:00

At six feet, three inches, people make some assumptions about me. Let me clear out a few of them.

1. I never played basketball. In fact the only sport I played as a kid was baseball, and I hated it (though I'm glad I tried it out so I know I hated it and don't have to wonder if I would have liked it). A lot of people ask me at some point if I ever played basketball, I guess because I'm tall. You should know that the regulation height for a basketball hoop is ten feet, so that still leaves three feet and nine inches of separation between me and the basket and the top of my head. I'm not all that coordinated, and without coordination, you can't play basketball. Not well, anyway.

2. I don't notice the rain falling any faster than anyone else. At the speed of rain falling compared to the time it takes a human brain to realize it just got rained on to telling the lips to say, "It's raining!", you've already got hit by the liquid projectiles. If you're eleven inches shorter than me (such as my wife), I'm not going to have the time to say "Quick, dodge the flying molecules of death!" before they start hitting you.

3. Yeah, I can reach things on high shelves. I don't even mind doing it. What I mind are the people that don't know my name, or that would never speak to me otherwise, saying, "Hey, you're tall. Can you help me with this?" First, it's like they have to remind me of my height as a way to convince me to help. I know I'm tall, it's not a revelation to me. The bumps I get from low basements remind me of the fact. Second, I'm going to help you, whether I want to or not. It's not like I'm going to be a jerk and say, "Find a step stool, midget." I'm going to help, I'm usually a pretty decent guy. So, sure, I'll help. Just ask. It's not like you have to convince me to do it.

I do have a little fun with my height, though. When I sit at my desk, I slouch. It's not simply a lazy thing, it's the fact that workstations aren't generally designed for tall people. I lower my seat all the way and my knees still bang the keyboard. I slouch back and it makes it a little easier. My last job people would call me on it and give me a little crap. Then I found an article saying that the slightly reclined sitting position is the best posture for work. My supervisor was amused. At one point I told her supervisor that if I ever decided that the workstation was too low for me and was causing me pain, they would have to make accomodations for me. She just laughed, and not in a nice way.

But anyway, the fun part is when I'm slouched people don't really think about it. Then, when I stand up, there's eyes go up. They don't expect me to be that tall. That's fun.

Prom Season

2008-05-03T17:36:00.002-05:00

Well folks, it's prom season once again. I remember going to prom. It was nine years ago. I took a friend of mine who was a junior. I didn't have a car so she picked me up and we drove downtown to whatever place we had our prom. I had been to dances before, once with a date, and once without, and had more fun without. But I thought I should have a date to prom otherwise I'd dance by myself. So, I took this friend. Well, through the night she kept letting other guys cut in and dance with her (why didn't she go with one of them?) and I would go off with a group of friends that came on their own (why didn't I do that again?). So, it wasn't a lot of fun.

Today a coworkers son came up with his date and they took pics and all that and one of the LPNs (think RN-light) said she wished she could go back to her prom because it was so fun. I just thought, if you really miss those times, you're doing something wrong. I don't miss prom. Even the dances I went to that were great I don't miss. I'm enjoying life now. I'm happily married, I have a great (and obnoxious) son, a decent job, and I enjoy myself. If you're looking back to a time five or ten years ago and thinking how much you miss it, you need help.

It's like people that say their mission was the best two years of your life. If that's true, then your life must really suck right now. I admit my mission was the best two years for my life, but not of my life.

If you think that some period of your younger life was so awesome and that your current life can never live up to that, you need to pause and evaluate and make some changes.

My Sleep Study

2008-05-01T17:38:00.002-05:00

Last night I had my sleep study. I was scheduled to arrive at 8 pm and was on my way to work when I realized I was supposed to bring some paperwork. I forgot it. So I had to go back to the house then rush to the hospital. I got there about 8:20, so not too bad.

At 11 pm they started hooking me up, but first they wanted to do an Arterial Blood Gas to measure the oxygen and CO2 and whatever in my blood stream. The tech came in with a little needle and told me what he was going to do. He broke the skin, which was fine and I figured the little bit of pain was over.

Dude.

When he found the artery, it hurt. A lot. It hurt more than those huge needles they use to take plasma. It hurt worse than those little needles they use to take blood from your finger tips. In fact, it still hurts.

Other than that, it wasn't too bad. The best description I can give was that it was like a stay at a bad hotel: you have an uncomfortable bed and they keep waking you up.

First, though, came the electrodes. They weren't so bad. They just parted my hair, popped the gadgets on my head, and taped them down. Only in the morning when the tech took them off, he told me there was more than tape. They also use a kind of paste to keep them on. While not painful, I can still feel the points where the electrodes were because I can feel where the paste had stuck my hair to my head.

The end result is that I have obstructive sleep apnea. Let me explain what this means. At night when I sleep, all the weird fitting parts of my throat and whatever, including the tongue, uvula (funny ball thing in the throat), tonsils, and adinoids (the tonsils BFF) all rest and close up my airway. For normal people this doesn't happen, but for me, it does. So when I sleep I don't get enough oxygen.

Now, let me take a break to tell you a little about sleep. When you fall asleep, you are in a low level of dreamless sleep. After about 90 minutes you switch to REM sleep where you dream and get your more restfull sleep. Then after another 90 minutes you go back to the lower level sleep, back to REM, and maybe back to the low level sleep again.

For me, when I go into REM, my brain realizes I'm not getting enough air. When it realizes this, it has two options. It can either pop me back into the low level sleep, or wake me up completely. For me, I think it takes turns. I do realize I wake option. Usually I blame this on needing to use the restroom. The tech said, though, that I don't really need to go, I'm just waking up because of the oxygen thing.

Halfway through the study the tech woke me up and put on a kind of CPAP that's called nasil pillows. Instead of a full mask, it straps on and holds an air hose with two openings right on the edge of my nostrils. The openings don't jam up there, it just rests on the openings, forcing air into my nose. After I got used to it, it wasn't bad. It wasn't uncomfortable, my body eventually stopped fighting the airflow, and I could sleep on my side.

At the end of the study the tech said that I do have the obstructive sleep apnea and that they were able to determine the airflow I need to sleep well. In a couple weeks I'll talk to my doctor and I'll be able to get on a mask. Woo-hoo (said mildly sarcastically).

But you know, my life I've felt guilt for not being able to get up early (both for Seminary in high school and on my mission) and for not exercising the way I should. If you know me, you know I'm really good at holding onto guilt. Now I'm realizing it wasn't really my fault. All this useless guilt I've held onto just because my body is a little different.

The tech told me that people with my condition are more likely to gain weight too because you simply don't have the energy to exercise. So maybe I'll finally get into a better shape. I'm a little excited to wear the Darth Vader mask.

I am not a committee

2008-04-28T21:45:00.003-05:00

Someone really smart once said that a committee of three is the perfect size to get something done if two of their members are absent.

Princess Leia said, "I am not a committee!"

It seems the more people involved in fixing something, either the longer it takes to get done, or the worse it becomes. Our hospital is changing to a new computer system. They've spent several years working on it and probably millions of dollars. After all that, it doesn't work.

So tonight there's an issue with the printer printing out patient registration information when it shouldn't. It's not a huge issue, except that it wastes a lot of paper. So we have three IT people working on the problem, they keep coming to discuss it with us and what we think is going wrong, I'm sure they're talking to the doctors and nurses and asking for their input, and some of the other registration people who apparently haven't figured out that they have jobs they're not doing keep talking about what they think the problem is.

Stop.

We spent a lot of money on this system. We pay IT people to make it work. Between them, they should be fixing it. We shouldn't be involved. The more that they try to get people involved, the more screwed up things seem to get.

Here's the solution. Find someone with a brain and pay them to fix it. Consult as few people as possible in fixing it.

And while we're on the issue, us peons in admitting were only trained on how to do our job. We weren't trained to do the nurse part, the doctor part, or the check in part. We weren't trained (and it's not our job) to discharge patients. So stop coming to us when your computer doesn't work. Don't ask us if you don't know how to do your job.

I need a couple days off. Glad I get them :)

Wednesday we're going to the zoo, and Wednesday night I have my sleep study. Hurray!

GO TO A HAPPY PLACE!

2008-04-27T18:56:00.003-05:00

To be a practicing doctor, you have to have four years of college, three years of med school, and three years of internship.

To be an RN, you have to have four years of college.

You'd think after this, you would be able to perform simple tasks. You'd think you would be considerate to your peers.

You'd be wrong.

No wonder the medical field is in trouble in this country.

Yes, I am still breathing

2008-04-25T18:14:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke, lying on my back (which is odd for me) my hands folded on my chest (which is probably a creepy pose, being it makes me look like a corpse in a coffin). I noticed my wife's hand on my chest. To any who know, this is a comforting sensation, much like someone putting their hand on your shoulder. But then I had an idea. Why would my wife lay there with her hand on my chest if she didn't think I was awake.

So I asked her, "Are you checking my pulse?"

"You can't take someone's pulse on their chest. I'm making sure your chest is still rising and falling."

She thought I'd stopped breathing! Creepy! She went on to tell me that I had been snoring loudly and just randomly stopped. I know (and I suspect she knows as well) that people that have sleep apnea can stop breathing during the night, and my mother has told me that I've done that before (though why she never had it checked out when I was younger, I don't know).

Well, I was breathing, and I am alive, but I can't criticize my wife. She cares about me, for some reason.

And I had similar experiences when Will was still young. When he'd sleep, he'd be so still and quiet I thought maybe something was wrong. On many occasions I would check to see if I could feel a pulse because I worried about the booger. See, God gives us these little humans to care for, and children are quite resilient, but they're also fragile in their way, and I'm afraid I'll break the little guy. So when my wife checked to see if I was still breathing, I was okay with that. And she knows CPR, so if I ever stop breathing when she's around, I feel fairly confident she could take care of me.

And a side note:

I dreamt this morning that we went down and were visiting Rhia. And she didn't like me. At all. It was very depressing. That's why you shouldn't sleep in. You get weirder dreams when you try to sleep in.

For Future Home Buyers

2008-04-24T18:29:00.002-05:00

When we were looking for a home, and had picked out our current home, our realtor advised against the full inspection because it's expensive. And while she was right, and we didn't have the money for the inspection at the time, I wish I'd gotten it.

You see, the other night, during the thunderstorm (which included a nice hail show) our frequently leaking bathroom ceiling pulled a new feat. The standard leak would be a drip drip drip that would get annoying. I thought that was bad enough. The other night was a like a faucet turned on low. It was a continuous flow of water. We had to put our trash can on our toilet to catch the flow. Sigh.

So, if you're looking for a house, pay for the full inspection. It is so worth it. We probably wouldn't have bought this house knowing some of the problems.

And also, pay particular attention to anything that doesn't look right. Any little project that you think you'll fix when you move in will likely take six months to take care of. At least. If you simply can't find a house that is in your budget that's also doesn't have problems, it's best to stay in your apartment. In an apartment you have people to come around and fix stuff for you, and they have to pay for it. Sure, they may take a while, they may be rude, they may come and inconvenient times, and they may go through your underwear drawer, but it's worth it if you're not ready to do these things on your own.

But then, if you do have some money saved away, and you can find a house that has a minimum of problems and passes a thorough inspection, then ownership is nice because you can put down roots. At my house, I don't feel like I can put down roots. Putting up pictures is problematic because the walls are crap. Anything we do is to make it nice enough to sell in a few years. I almost wished we had stayed in an apartment. But it was good for the learning experience.

Is that Ben Gay I smell?

2008-04-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

Our friend Dave gave us gift cards for the New Theater Restaurant
several years ago and last night we finally went. We saw Rumors, a
funny show about a dinner party that shows up at the house of a guy
that shot himself, in the earlobe. All show long the guests try to
figure out what happened, mostly by the gossip they've about each other.

Apart from the show, I think this theater was designed for the 60+
crowd. There were a few people our age, but not many.

The food was all good, and all very tender and in small pieces for our
denture crowd. And at times I think I caught a slight wiff of Ben Gay.
Not that I can say anything, back when I was having back problems I
dabbled in some analgesic cream.

But with all the slow movers, we were able to get to our quickly and
onto the road. Glad I parked on the side.

Sent from my iPhone

You're listening to Matt FM

2008-04-21T23:46:00.002-05:00

The one radio station we can agree to listen to at work is Jack FM. They play a good mix of 70s-2000s music, and their trademark is "playing what we want", as in, no requests. It's not the best, but it works. Recently though, we've realized that every night we hear the same songs. It gets a bit dull. Especially on the weekend when faced with 9 and a half hour shifts.

So, on Saturday I bought a radio that I could plug my iPod into so we could listen to that instead. At first, we just listened to whatever albums I put on. This works, but we can only listen to so much Billy Joel. Well, you can listen to a lot of Billy, but not every night, and a lot of his songs are not child friendly.

To remedy this I set up a playlist where I loaded all the songs I like and that are appropriate for work play. Now, I've got a pretty healthy collection of music on the iPod, enough to play for two weeks straight without stopping or repeating a song. The playlist is 269 songs, and that's just what I could put together for now. No commercials, and all Matt-friendly music. And my coworkers seem to like it too.

Now, if I could just get some little Matt FM jingles to play between songs.

Things I wish I could do at work to annoy people

2008-04-20T16:11:00.002-05:00

Learn Spanish and then refuse to translate for the nurses (because they really should be using the language line).

Stick my tonuge out at the people waiting in line (while they're obviously healthy children are running around and playing) 45 minutes before we open.

Play my music loud enough to drown out the winers.

Tell people what I think of them.

Refuse to help people who are lazy, rude, and lie about us (us being admitting).

Answer stupid questions with stupid answers.

Ask people if they need to go back to training.

Ask people if I can "walk them through that".

Tell bossy people that they are on too low a pay grade to tell me what to do.

Tell people to find a ladder and look me in the eye when they're talking to me.

Answer everything with "your mom" (ie: your mom needs to bring me those consent forms).

PS: I swear I was in a really good mood to start the day. And now that I've vented, I feel better. Now I just hope my supervisors don't read my blog.

Doctors and their offices

2008-04-18T18:04:00.002-05:00

On the 31st of March (nineteen days ago now) I had an appointment with an otarlaryngologist (yes, ENT is easier to say/type, but I like saying/typing it out because it makes me feel smarter) about my possible sleep apnea. The doctor said his staff would call the hospital to set up a sleep study and they would call me to set the appointment. Each week I called back to ask when this was going to happen. They kept assuring me I would get a call (and that was when someone from the doctor's office would call me back). Finally today I got a call from the hospital. The wrong hospital.

See, they were going to do the sleep study at St Luke's East hospital because it's right next to his office and he knows the people there. Today, St Luke's downtown hospital called me back. Now, Wednesday when I called the doctor's office, I made sure to tell them that the doctor wanted the appointment at St Luke's East, not downtown. So, to avoid further complications (or maybe to create them) I went ahead and scheduled downtown.

The call from the downtown hospital came while I was on the road and I didn't want to have to go through all the logistics of setting an appointment while on the road, so I asked if I could call back in five minutes. I finished traveling home, called back, and was on hold for seven minutes before I could even speak to someone. Seven minutes is a long time to be on hold. If you want to try, go get a CD that you really dislike (or turn your radio to some smooth jazz station) and listen to it for seven minutes, while holding your phone to your head. And make sure you're somewhere you can take notes, ie, not comfortable to sit for seven minutes while waiting. And, to make it even more realistic, go put some food on the stove, wait until you can smell it cooking, and try said experiement. Not too fun.

But after all is said and done, I have an appointment for a sleep study on April 30th, only a month after my initial appointment. I just hope they don't watch me while I sleep. Talk about uncomfortable.

The masculine side of punctuation

2008-04-17T20:36:00.002-05:00

So there's this, let's say friend, that guys like to harass women about. It comes around once a month and guys think that it makes women nutty. Of course, bringing it up doesn't help things. If I were to tell my wife she's emotional because of this friend, it only makes things worse.

What men don't realize is that men have this visitor too. Sure, it doesn't manifest physical symptoms, but they do have it. And it comes more than once a month. In fact, our monthly friend comes to visit every 7-10 days.

Have you ever noticed that your male friends get irritable and depressed every so often? Yep, that's it. Sure, it's worse in some guys than others, but we all get it. Men have cycles too, we just don't want to admit it.

This weekend, for example, I was just in a terrible mood. It wasn't because of anything anyone had done, I was just not very happy. Then the other day, I got really emotional and started to get all teary-eyed while reading Leven Thumps. It wasn't sad, I was just emotional.

So, to all you women out there, don't let men give you crap. We have issues too, and we have them more often. We just try to hide them.

But if you want to have fun, when a man friend of yours is being emotional, tell them he's just dealing with his monthly friend. See how he likes it :)

Dude, I made this

2008-04-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

> We had this fish in the freezer, and though I don't really like
> fish, I wanted to use it. So I looked up this recipe and made some
> baked salmon. Along with that is some cheesy mashed potatoes and
> cheesy veggies. I was a little surprised everything turned out well.
>
> I also made oatmeal cookies. Sometimes I'm industrious.
>

Energy Level = Bleh

2008-04-14T23:41:00.003-05:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but my energy today is crap. I went to bed around 1:30 am (don't judge, that's good for me, considering I got off work at 12:30 am), got up at 12:15 pm, went to a training downtown, and came straight to work. After almost eleven hours of sleep, you'd think I'd be well rested. I really need to get in for that sleep study.

So now it's 11:45 at night and we close at midnight. Does that mean I can go home? Not so much. Usually, but not tonight. We still have fourteen patients sitting around, including four that haven't even been seen by their doctor yet. That's bad at this time of night. We should have maybe three people total, all of whom seen by their doctors at this point. At least tomorrow is my day off.

But then Will had his shots today, so he won't be happy.

Here's hoping we don't have another child come in before midnight.

Blog Stats

2008-04-13T23:39:00.001-05:00

According to that fun Google Analytics thing Rhia told me about, my blog got 113 hits from Wisconsin. What's that about? That's more than I've gotten from anywhere else? If you're reading my blog, and you live in Wisconsin, let me know. Say hi.

Or, if you're not one of my regular blog commenters, and you somehow know me, or just like the blog, send me a comment. It'll be fun. Really. Maybe. Or not. But anyway, go ahead and comment.

Roxy the dog has gone to a better place

2008-04-12T15:36:00.000-05:00

Between having a small home, Emily being in school, wanting a second
child, and wanting to travel in a few years, we decided we didn't have
the time or space for our dog anymore. So we had to put her...into
another family's home. Emily says they're nice, about our age, with a
little girl Will's age. They've had dogs before, so they know what
they're getting into. I'm a little sad. Now Emily wants a cat. I told
her we'd wait until we got back from Omaha before thinking about that.
Bye Roxy, :...(

my Development has been Arrested

2008-04-11T19:23:00.001-05:00

I never watched Arrested Development when it was on. My wife owns the second season, but I've never watched that either. She, my friend Dave, our friend Suzzanne, and many others think it's the funniest thing ever. I've still never watched it.

Until today.

I put it on our Netflix queue, figuring I'd check it out. Let me say, it's freaking hilarious.

And it's unedited.

But it's still funny, and wildly inappropriate. What have I been missing?

An Auspicious Occasion

2008-04-10T21:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I knew there was some sort of occasion to be remembered, but it took until today to remember. May 9th is the seventh anniversary of my mission call, so I thought I'd blog about that.

I remember putting in my paperwork and waiting not-so-patiently for my call (which only came after about three weeks). What I remember about the time was that my mother had just watched Cast Away and thought I would get called to Russia. At the same time people kept asking me where I'd like to go. My response was that I wouldn't say where I wanted to go because then I won't get sent there. But I don't want to go to Salt Lake City!

My reasons for that is I figured everyone in SLC was either LDS already or had heard about it enough that they were sick of it. My mission papers arrive, and I'm going to...Salt Lake City. Ooh boy. But on the bright side, a friend of mine got his papers about the same time and got sent to Russia. The other friend went to Australia, on a Mandarin speaking mission. I remember taking German in High School and not doing very well in the subject. So maybe I got lucky.

The thing about SLC that a lot of people don't realize is that it isn't mostly LDS. It's only about 40%, and of those, only about a third are active. So there's plenty of work to do. And the Utah missions were always the highest baptizing English speaking missions.

I have this polaroid picture (back when they had polaroids), somewhere in my belongings, of my family (my mother and two sisters) and I at the Kansas City International Airport on the day I flew out. It traveled throughout my mission and usually was posted at my desk. You can even see my airplane tickets sticking out of my suit pocket. Consequentally that day was the first time I had flown.

Now, if you've served a mission, you know the instructions they give you are as clear as mud. On the plane I started freaking out that I'd get lost, wouldn't get to the MTC, and there would be all kinds of trouble. I remember thinking that I really needed a companion. (At this time I had never lived away from home or traveled anywhere without my family-sheltered life, I know.)

Well, funny thing, I was provided with a companion. At the SLC airport, while trying to find the shuttle that was going to take me to the MTC, I met Sister McRitchie, a sister from Alberta, Canada. We stayed close while waiting/trying to find this shuttle, all the way to the the MTC. It didn't really do anything to help because she didn't know any more than me, but there's a certain comfort knowing that if you get lost, at least you're not lost AND alone.

Through the mission I joked that my first companion was a sister.

It's Under Pressure! Not Ice Ice Baby!

2008-04-10T19:00:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time there was this wonderful song, a collaberative effort of two masters: Freddie Mercury of Queen and David Bowie of...um...David Bowie. The song is called Under Pressure. If you haven't heard of it, think of Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. The music to the song was completely ripped off and Mr. Ice changed the lyrics to some stupid white boy rap. I can forgive him for this because Queen lives on in rock legend, while Vanilla Ice is a joke. (And the fact that Vanilla Ice was sued for copyright infringement and lost.) Well, our local radio station thought it might be a good idea to mix the songs, taking turns playing both lyrics over the same music. This is an insult. Putting Vanilla Ice and Queen/David Bowie in the same song is disgusting and I hate it.

I'll have a happier blog later, but I needed to vent.

I think I'm turning Japanese

2008-04-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

Today I picked up this Japanese soda from World Market. I'd never had
a Japanese soda, so I wanted to try it. Well, it tasted like corn
syrup, starch, and a dash of citric acid, which is exactly what it
was. But the fun thing was the bottle. To open, you take the top
off, revealing a sort of plunger. You use that to pop a glass marble
down into the bottle. The marble kind of rattles around this top
section of the bottle as you drink. It was pretty cool, even if the
soda itself wasn't particularly good.

Crying Over Sour Milk or Things You Shouldn't Do With Dairy Products

2008-04-07T21:00:00.002-05:00

On my mission, I remember having bought a gallon of milk, but not drinking it by the sell-by date. I'm sure you know that drinking milk on or near the sell-by date is dangerous, so we didn't drink it. Nor did we throw it away. We just left it in the fridge. Then we decided to run an experiment. We took the bad milk from the fridge and left it on the counter. For several days. I don't know if our original intent was to use the sour milk for evil, but it evolved into that.

You see, there was this missionary we didn't really like (Alison, you can ask if you'd like. You may or may not have known him.) and the idea was we would just let the milk sit and get super-rank and then take it to this missionary's apartment and hide it somewhere (preferably by a heater). We liked his companion, but he was going to have to be collateral damage.

So on one P-Day (the missionary off day) my companion woke up and went to the kitchen without turning the lights on. We stepped in something wet and smelled a wonderful vomit-like odor and thought, "crap, my companion is sick on our off day. We'll just have to stay in today." Then he realized, it wasn't vomit he was standing in, it was something much, much worse.

Now I'll bet that most of you don't realize what horrors milk can do when it gets really bad. I don't remember anymore how long we had left the milk to go bad. But apparently milk, when rotten enough, can eat through the plastic container. This is, if you haven't been following, what happened. Rancid milk was on the linoleum floor (which isn't too bad) and had flowed over to the carpet (really bad).

There is something else you should know. The scent of milk, once rotten and vomit-like, doesn't go away fast. In fact, in the couple months I spent in that apartment, the odor never went away. It got better after a while, but it was always there. And if any local members came by, they could still smell it, though they wouldn't say anything unless asked.

The moral of this story, if there is one, is that if you plan to play a particularly vicious prank on someone, especially someone in the Lord's service, you may want to think twice. Or at least bear in mind that milk can rot through plastic.

That's Flatchtastic!

2008-04-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

This is what I say when I or someone around me has a particularly impressive bout of gas, either top or bottom. The root word is obviously flatulance, and it took several tries to get the word right, but I'm impressed.

Yes, I'm a boy sometimes.

A coworker calls it having frogs. Now her 3-year-old son tells his mom he has a frog, and that she should say hello to it. So it's not just boys.

Are girls as bad about these sorts of things?

Roxy: The Killer Guard Dog

2008-04-06T14:23:00.002-05:00

This morning, at about quarter to five, our dog, Roxy, starts barking. Loudly. Without stopping. This rarely happens, and it never happens overnight. As soon as I wake up my first thought is: there's someone in the house. So I get up to go check it out, like the good husband/father I am. I first notice that our porch light is on. The motion detecting porch light. The motion detecting porch light that doesn't detect squirrels or cats.

Okay, I should take this time to say that our front door isn't the most secure. It's old with a large pane of glass making up most of the door. One of those panes of glass that is completely see-through and whose glass is so old that it's starting to warp.

Now, we keep a curtain covering our door and the windows, but there's still plenty of cracks around the curtains too see out, and conversely, in. So I first check out the side window to see if I can detect anything (because why would I start off by exposing myself at the front door where anyone can see/shoot me?). I see nothing, so I check the window that looks out front (and onto the porch, kind of like Mr. Rogers). There's a car parked behind mine with its headlights on. I don't like people parking on our property, but that's another story.

So, last, I check the front door, feeling fairly confident that no one is at the door. The car behind mine moves and goes to our new ghetto-fied neighbors. Our neighbors were having company show up at 4:45 in the morning and apparently came to the wrong door, turning our motion sensor light on and upsetting our dog. Now my fear has turned to annoyance. I try, as a neighbor, to leave my neighbors the heck alone. As far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't even have to know I'm there half the time. I dislike our new neighbors and their curious nighttime habits.

But I'm glad to know Roxy is a good guard dog. Anyone want her?

Short Story: The Bird Girl

2008-04-03T17:27:00.002-05:00

Note: It seems Word documents don't seem to copy well into blogger, so some of the spacing got messed up. Just remember: the only breaks that count are when I put in three asterics (***). Otherwise it's just blogger and Word not getting along.

The most exciting thing about Daniel’s day wasn’t the moving truck backing up in front of the house next door. It wasn’t that he was finally getting new neighbors after a year without any. It was the possibility that he would have someone to hang out with that was his age.
There were a few men moving things into the house. Basic things; boxes, a couch, TV, bed frame. Nothing exciting. They just looked like a normal family. The men looked alike. Brothers? Half an hour later a car parked on the curb and a young woman got out and walked over to the men unloading the truck. Keys in hand, she walked to one of the men, reached on her toes and kissed him. Their conversation carried over to Daniel.
“She won’t get out of the car,” the woman said.
“Why not?”
“She says she hates the neighborhood and that it’s not fair that she had to move.”
“We’re only trying to protect her,” the man said. “Besides, it was her own fault. If she’d be more careful.”
“She’s sixteen; she doesn’t want to be careful. But it doesn’t matter, we’re here. Can you talk to her?”
“Sure.”
What was this about? Who were these people? Daniel had put together that this was a couple with a daughter who didn’t want to live here. The father’s brother was helping them. They moved to protect the daughter, who was in some sort of danger because she wasn’t careful enough.
Daniel’s parents had planted hedges a year ago and they had reached a decent height around their porch. He crouched down and peered between the branches. The father walked to the car and opened the passenger side door to talk to the occupant. Daniel still couldn’t see her.
“You’re going to have to come out sometime,” the father said.
She didn’t answer.
“Abie, I’m just trying to protect you. If we had stayed, you might be dead.”
Dead? Daniel swallowed. This must be some sort of witness protection thing.
“You could have picked a cooler neighborhood,” the daughter said. “This place is so cookie-cutter. Every house is the same. I bet every family is the same too. A Beaver Cleaver mom and dad, two boys and a girl, a cat, a dog, and a few fish. They probably don’t even know how to dance.”
“Maybe you could teach them.”
“Whatever.”
“Why don’t you give it a try? At least go inside and see the house. I don’t want you in the car all day. It’ll be nicer to have your company in the house.”
“You mean it will be easier to watch me in the house.”

Before the father could answer, the daughter pushed her way out of the car. The hedge blocked his view of her head, but she seemed normal enough. She wasn’t too tall and she was slender. She wore Capri jeans and a striped shirt with long sleeves. In her right hand was a music player with headsets that must have reached to her ears.
Daniel moved around, trying to get a better look at her. He moved a branch slightly and saw her. He’d never seen anyone quite like her. He’d like to say she was a red head, but that wasn’t really true because just her bangs were red. The crown of her head was silver and the back was black. It was the weirdest thing, but a little cool. His heart sank as he realized that this girl would be too cool to hang out with someone like him.
His legs were getting sore from crouching and he shifted slightly to get more comfortable. As soon as he did she saw her neck snap towards him. Her head jerked and bobbed a little like she was trying to get a look at him. He tried not to move. He didn’t want to have to explain why he was spying on his new neighbors.
He tried to let go of the branch he was holding in case she could see him. When his finger moved the girl’s head stopped and she ducked a little, her eyes meeting his. There was no way she could see him through the dark hedge, but somehow she knew he was looking at her.
They stayed there for a moment before she was startled by her mother’s voice.
“Are you coming in, Abie?”
She looked at her mother and nodded. She walked towards the house but kept looking back as she did. Once she was inside Daniel fell back, feeling like his heart was going to explode. How had she seen him? And what was with the way she moved her head? It was a little freaky.
Before anyone came back outside he got into his own house. He just hoped that he was imagining things and the girl hadn’t really seen him.
***
An alarm blared next to Daniel’s ear. He flopped his arm out, hitting his bedside table and knocking over an empty cup before finding the alarm clock. He hit the snooze button again, not sure how many times he had hit it previously. He leaned over and tried to focus on the red numbers. He saw the time, 7:25. He wasn’t really sure what that meant. He blinked several times and tried to clear the haze from his head. Almost seven thirty in the morning. What did that mean? The bus! He was supposed to catch the bus at seven thirty!
He jumped out of bed, no time to shower. He pulled on jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed his backpack, and rushed for the door. By the time he hit the porch he saw the bus flying by. He’d missed it. Wonderful.
He turned to go back in the house when he saw his neighbor’s door open. The new neighbor girl, Abie, with the wonderfully freakish hair, stepped onto the porch. Daniel backed to his own door to avoid being seen. Maybe he should offer her a ride to school. With his mom as the driver. Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing ever. But it would give him a chance to talk to her.
He was about to call out to her when he saw her look both ways quickly before jumping in the air. Before his brain could process the fact that it was weird for someone to just randomly jump, it was sidetracked by the fact that she was nowhere in sight. He blinked. A bird flew off from where Abie had been standing and Daniel had the dangerous idea that the bird had a red brow, grey body, and black tail.
No, that wasn’t it. Abie had fallen. The hedge on his porch had blocked the view. She was probably laying there in pain. He should help her.
Daniel left his porch and walked to the neighbor’s house. No one was there. Where was she? He was reminded of the old Sherlock Holmes adage his father had taught him. If you remove the impossible, whatever remains, however unlikely, must be true.
So, what was impossible? It was impossible that Abie was a bird. He had paid enough attention in science to know that people didn’t turn into birds and visa versa. He also knew that there was some law that said something about matter changing. If it did change, it had to keep its mass, or something like that. So even if this girl could turn into a bird, it would have to be an Abie-sized bird. The bird he’d seen, or thought he’d seen, he wasn’t sure anymore, wasn’t Abie. It was just a strange coincidence.
Now that he knew what was impossible, what remained? Abie had come outside, jumped, then disappeared. He looked up. A tree was overhead, but surely she hadn’t jumped into the branches. They were low enough, but not strong enough to hold someone’s weight. He filed that idea under ‘impossible’. The other possibility was that she had jumped, fallen, known she was being watched, and crawled back to the house. That was more likely. Daniel didn’t know if she’d had the time to do all that, but it was much more likely. If he’d fallen on his porch and realized a cute girl was watching him, he certainly wouldn’t stay to be seen. He’d get away as fast as possible and hope no one would notice.
“Can I help you?”
Daniel’s head whipped around. It was Abie’s father. He realized he was still standing in his neighbor’s front yard. He wondered how long he had been there. This guy must think he was an idiot.
“I…think I missed the bus.”
“Sorry to hear that. Do you need a ride?”
“No. My mom is home. She can give me a ride.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
Daniel turned and walked away quickly, hoping the man wouldn’t call him back. He also hoped Abie wasn’t inside, laughing at him. He wasn’t paying attention to his feet and tripped on something. He fell onto the hard ground, his hands bracing his fall. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a large cat running into the backyard. He kept his head down. What an idiot he was. He had been caught standing in his new neighbor’s yard, now he had fallen in full view of anyone watching. Now he really wished Abie was a bird, so at least she hadn’t seen him fall.
He heard hurried steps then saw her father kneel down next to him.
“Are you all right?”
Daniel forced himself onto his knees.
“I’m fine,” he said.
“What happened?”
“I tripped over a cat. I didn’t see it.”
“A cat?” the man said, a little anxiety in his voice. “What kind of cat? What did it look like?”
Daniel looked at the man. He seemed upset. Great, he had fallen on this man’s cat too.
“I don’t know. I didn’t get a good look at it. Is it yours? I don’t think I hurt it. It ran into the backyard.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, maybe you should get going. You don’t want to be too late for school.”
The man helped Daniel up. He didn’t need to be told twice to go. He went into the house to get his mom to take him to school. As he stepped into his house, he thought he saw Abie’s father hurrying to the backyard. He really hoped he hadn’t hurt their cat.
***
Daniel noticed that Abie was in his first class. English. He liked the subject quite a bit, and his teacher was cute, so that didn’t hurt. But he did genuinely like the subject. They were studying Edgar Allen Poe at the moment. The last class they had read Fall of the House of Someone or Somesuch. He hadn’t really followed it. But then his teacher always dressed up on Fridays and he was distracted easily. He hoped today he’d be able to pay greater attention.
He almost jumped when the bell rang and the bird girl, no Abie, her name was Abie. She was not a bird. Anyway, he had a hard time staying in his seat when Abie sat next to him. He supposed it made sense; it was the only empty seat.
With her hair she seemed the type to slouch in her seat, a smirk plastered to her face, while she didn’t attention. Instead, she was sitting bolt upright, not leaning even the least bit against her chair. Her eyes were locked on the teacher. He wondered, with a little apprehension, if that was how people though he looked at their teacher. He pushed these thoughts away before he died of embarrassment.
“Can anyone tell me,” the teacher began, “the Edgar Allen Poe story where a bird says, ‘Never More’?”
Daniel sank in his seat. Don’t answer, don’t answer. Next to him, Abie raised her hand, high in the air, her fingers together and perfectly straight.
“Yes?” the teacher said.
“It was The Raven,” Abie answered.
“Very good.”
Daniel didn’t really hear the rest of what was said. This was pretty typical of this class, but for a completely different reason. His eyes kept sliding to his side to look at Abie. She was engaged in the discussion and didn’t seem to notice his attention. In his mind, he kept comparing her to the bird he saw. The red bangs could have been the bird’s brow. The silver of her crown matched the body. The black length definitely resembled the bird’s tail. The colors matched perfectly.
The bell rang and the class was on their feet. Daniel hadn’t paid attention and sat, still casting a side-long glance at Abie. She got up and shifted her eyes to him. They were the same dark color, and though he was sure it was just a fleeting look, it also seemed the quick look took in every detail about him. He shivered and looked away. In a moment she was out the door.
“Do you need something else, Daniel?”

He looked around for the voice. When he found it he knew that he must not seem itself. It was his teacher. She was standing at the head of the row of desks he was sitting at, wearing a smile that would make him melt most days.
“No, I didn’t notice the bell.”
“I see that. Do you know our new student well?”
“Um, she’s my neighbor, she just moved in.”
“Well that explains it.”
“What’s that?”
“You didn’t take your eyes off her all class,” his teacher said. “I had a hard time with her hair at first, but she seems nice enough.”
“She’s just…a little different.”
“Maybe. But aren’t we all?”
“I guess.”
“You’d better be on your way,” she said. “You’ll be late.”
“Sure.”
Daniel grabbed his things and was out the door. Had be been that obvious? Of course he had. But then he always paid that much attention to his teacher. Crap. She must have noticed that too. His heart sank to his stomach.
It jumped up to his throat when he rounded the corner and found himself face to face with Abie. She didn’t say anything at first. She stood there, blocking his way, her dark eyes locked on his. Her body didn’t follow suit, though. Her arms were bent at the elbow, and she seemed to dance from foot to foot a little, like she was deciding whether she should stay or run.
“Hi,” he started.
“What’s with you?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Why do you keep staring at me?”
“I…uh…you’re,” don’t say different, don’t say different, “a little unusual.” Yes, that was much better than different.
“Oh?”
His brain raced for something to say. But then he realized the answer was right in front of him. He didn’t need to conceal the fact that her hair was so wild. She must know it was different. He just needed to avoid the subject of birds.
“It’s just your hair, really,” he said. “I mean, it’s not bad, it’s just different.”
“It’s different, but not bad.” Her expression didn’t soften one bit.
“No, it’s good. I mean, the way the red falls across your brow, I mean bangs! Your bangs, I like that shade. And the silver flowing into the black tail, er, I mean the, um, what do you call the hair at the back?”
“The back,” she said, ice now filling her voice. “Most people just call it the back. But you like the silver?”
“Oh yeah, I love it!”
“What would you call that part of my hair? The wings?”
Crap.
“Were you watching me this morning?” she asked. “I thought that hedge of yours was a good hiding place. I had hoped it was a squirrel or something watching me.”
“I didn’t mean to, really.” Now that he was caught, Daniel somehow felt a little less nervous.
“So what was the story this morning?”
“I missed the bus. I was going to offer you a ride.”
“Why didn’t you? Trying to take a good peek at me?”
“No, I was just out the door when you, er, flew off.”
“Shush!” She clapped a hand to his mouth. For a moment he didn’t mind.
“I’m sorry about your cat,” he said when she lowered her hand.
She had been looking around to see if anyone was listening to them. They weren’t, they were all to their next class. Her eyes snapped back to him.
“I should go,” he said, turning. “I’m already late to second period.”
Abie grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
“What cat?”
“Your cat, I tripped over it going back to my house this morning. I think it was okay. Your dad went after it. I guess I should have helped.”
“We don’t have a cat, we wouldn’t have a cat.” She looked left and right down the hall. “Okay, come with me.” She grabbed his wrist and started pulling him down the hall.
“No, I’ll get in trouble. My math teacher is strict.”
“What? She’s not as cute as our English teacher?”
Daniel blushed.
“Come on,” she said, pulling him again. “You’ve seen more than you were supposed to. We need to talk. Where can we go that no one will see us?”
Daniel thought. There was the library, it was usually pretty empty. But the librarian would want a note. What was the deal with librarians?
“The press box. We could go there.”
“What’s the press box?”
“It’s where the announcers sit at the football games so they can see what’s going on.”
“Won’t it be locked?”
“The new one is, but there’s an old one they don’t use anymore. They don’t keep it locked. We can climb up; the ladder is behind the bleachers. No one will see it.” He didn’t mention that it was a favorite make out spot. Kissing this girl was last on his list of things to do right now. Well, maybe not last, but certainly not first.
“Let’s go.”
They ducked out the back door and headed across the football field. Luckily the gym class was doing laps on the other side of the school and they went unnoticed. Abie climbed up the ladder, followed closely by Daniel. Once they were inside they sat against the plywood walls, keeping their heads down.
“How much do you know?” Abie asked.
“You can turn into a bird, and your family seems to get freaked out by cats.”
“Good start. Tell me about the cat.”
“I don’t know, I didn’t see it, that’s why I tripped. After that I only saw it as it was running away.”
“This is important, Daniel. Anything you remember will help.”
“It was big,” he started. “Bigger than most house cats. But not fat. It was a darker color, but not black. Maybe some kind of grey.”
“Go on.”
“That’s it. No, its paws were different. Darker, maybe.”
“Was it a clean cat, like one someone looked after?”
“No, it wasn’t, come to think of it. It was mangy. It looked wild, like it lived in the woods.”
“I bet it was the cat man. He must have followed us.”
“Cat man? What do you mean? Like you?”
“Yeah, he’s a man. Where we used to live there was this guy my dad worked with. He came over after work one night to hang out with my parents. I didn’t know about it, I wasn’t home yet. So I had been out past curfew and wanted to sneak in. I’m sure you can imagine how that happened.”
“You flew in your bedroom window. I bet that’s pretty neat.”

“Yeah, but this guy was on the back porch smoking. He must have looked up and seen the bird. Then when he looks in my window he sees me, same hair color as the bird. Neither of us said anything, but I knew he knew. He started coming around a lot after that. When he didn’t say anything to my parents I figured we were safe. I couldn’t blame him. If I had seen something impossible happen, I’d keep it to myself.”
“He kept coming around once he saw you were a bird?”
“I’m not a bird.”
“Okay, once he saw you could change into a bird.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s creepy.”

“I know, but what could I say? My parents are pretty protective.”
“Then what happened?”
“My parents went to visit my grandmother. I didn’t want to go, so they left me at home. Dad wasn’t happy about it, but I refused to go and grandma was sick. So as soon as they’re gone, cat man breaks into the house.”
“Why do you call him the cat man?”
“Just wait, okay? I’m getting to it. He broke into my house. I was freaked. I turned into a bird without realizing it. I think a part of me knew what he was and that it was his job to play predator and my job to play prey. As soon as I changed, he turned into a cat. Came at me real fast. I was fluttering all around the house with him leaping at me. See this?”
Abie pulled the shoulder of her shirt down and Daniel could see three big scars on her shoulder and down her arm.
“That came from a cat? They’re huge?”
“They were normal size on my bird body. When I got away and changed back into this shape they were bigger. I thought I was going to die.”

“How’d you get away?”
“My parents came back home. Dad said he was worried and didn’t want to leave me alone. As soon as the door opened I flew out. Later dad said the cat man changed back. He was irate.”
“Yeah, finding a naked guy in his house. I bet he was upset.”
“Naked? Do you think I end up naked everywhere I go?”
“Well, clothes don’t just absorb into your body. Science…”
“Yeah, science. If science was right, even if I could change, I’d be a human-sized bird. But I’m not.”
“Then how does it work?”
“Magic.”
“Magic?”
“Yeah, magic,” Abie said. “That’s the only thing I’ve come up with that makes sense. But that’s not the point. I don’t lose my clothes, so don’t get excited, you won’t get to see me naked.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. So your dad found his coworker in his house?”

“Yeah, and he had seen him as the cat. He threw him out and that night we were packing. We knew I was in danger. This guy had known I could turn into a bird and his cat side told him to kill me. He’d spent all this time trying to get me alone so he could do it, too. So we knew we had to go, and here I am.”
“But he followed you.”
“Yeah. My dad will want to move again. But I don’t want to. I hate moving.”

“But he saw the cat man. You’ll have to go.”
“No,” Abie said. “We have to come up with an idea to get rid of the cat man.”

“We?”

“Yeah, you know what I am, so you have to help.”
“Fine, what do I do?”
“Help me come up with an idea.”
Daniel thought about this. “What do cats fear?”
“I don’t know, dogs?”
“Do you know a dog man?”
Abie smirked. “No. I only know the cat man. And this isn’t a cartoon where you can set the dog on the cat whenever he bothers the bird.”
“It was an idea.”
They sat in silence a while longer.
“It’s too bad we can’t have him arrested,” Daniel said.
“Wait, that’s not a bad idea.”
“Yeah it is. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Well, I mean he broke into your house, but he’d be in jail if you could prove it.”
“We could have him arrested.”

“I don’t follow.”
“I’m not talking about the police. What do you do when there’s a wild animal running around?”

“Call animal control?”
“Exactly!” Abie said. “We can catch him as a cat, call animal control, and they’ll take him away.”
“Yeah, until he turns back into a man and they let him go.”
“Hmm, you’re right. He’ll just change back.”

“Too bad there’s no way to keep him a cat. I’d love to see him stuck in that shape forever.”
“I got stuck once,” Abie said slowly.
“You did? As a bird?”
“Yeah. It was pretty freaky.”
“What happened?”
“My neighbors kept chickens. One day I was flying back and I saw them feeding. They had all this seed spread out, so I thought I’d grab a bite.”
Daniel gave her and incredulous look.
“Hey, when you’re a bird, you have the appetite of a bird. It’s really good on diets. Anyway, they had this chicken wire up, only I didn’t see it. I flew straight in and got my head stuck. I put up such a fit that my neighbor came over and cut me out.”
“But that just means you were stuck. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t change back.”

“Actually I tried. I was so afraid the chickens would peck my eyes out that I tried to change back. I thought maybe the sudden shift would break the wire.”
“But you couldn’t change?”
“No, I couldn’t. I was stuck as a bird.”
“We could trap him,” Daniel said. “We could fix him as a cat.”

“We should fix him. Do you spay or neuter a male cat?”
“That’s gross.”
“Okay. It’ll be bad enough to be stuck as a cat. How do we do it?”
“I have metal shop next period,” Daniel said. “I can make a metal collar for him.”

“Yeah, won’t animal control take it off?”
“I can make it look really nice, maybe inscribe it with some nice message and flowers and stuff. I’ll borrow a rivet gun and when we catch Mr. Cat Man, we’ll fix the collar on real good.”
“What’s a rivet?”

“You know those metal things on your jeans pockets that never come off?”
“Yeah?”
“We fix the collar on him with that and he’ll never get it off.”

“What will animal control do with a stray?”
“Well,” Daniel thought. “They’ll give it its shots. Then they’ll probably neuter it.” Abie actually giggled. “Then they’ll put it out for adoption.”

“The new family might take the collar off.”
“Maybe. But once he’s had to get all those shots, get neutered, and looked at all day as a cat, he may figure he’d better leave you alone. He may even like being a pet.”
“It’s not the best plan,” Abie said.
“But it’s a plan. Even if it works we’ll have to keep an eye out for old cat man from now on.”
“We?”
“Yeah, like you said, we’re in this together.”
Abie leaned on Daniel’s shoulder and put her arm around him. Their cheeks touched for a moment, and had the bell not rung, he thought they might have kissed. She let him go.
“Better get to metal shop,” she said.
“Yeah. I’ll see you after school?”
“Sure. I’ll have to convince my dad that the cat he saw wasn’t the cat man. If he asks, you saw a white Persian or something.”

“No problem.
***
Daniel felt like the next period went way to fast. First he had to convince his teacher to let him make the collar. The teacher was of the opinion that putting a metal collar on a cat and attaching it with a rivet was animal cruelty. Daniel explained that the collar wasn’t for a real cat, but for a statue his mother had. It was supposed to be a gift. His teacher agreed to let him do the project, and reluctantly let him take the rivet gun.
He was pretty proud of his project when it was finished, just minutes before the bell rung. It was silver in color with floral patterns going all around. In the middle he had inscribed the words, “A loving cat for a loving home”. He thought that might do the trick. His teacher was impressed with it too. He mentioned that Daniel might consider becoming a jeweler as he had seen bracelets for sale that weren’t as nice. This complement only distracted him from his concern for a moment. He knew that every passing moment brought Abie closer to danger. He knew that eventually someone would take the collar off, and the cat man might just be angry enough to come after her. If he had spent too much time as a cat, could he be taking on more feline characteristics? Might his human side be slipping away?
He had noticed the way Abie behaved. The way she jerked around and bobbed her head like a bird, the piercing glare, and above all, her hair. Why would she leave it like that? Wouldn’t it be like a beacon to anyone looking for her? He would have to ask her.
Daniel hid the new collar along with the rivet gun in his bag and got on the bus heading home. A moment later Abie got on, sitting next to him. The seats weren’t very wide and her hips rested against his. He noticed her scent, now. He hadn’t paid attention before, but she smelled just like a spring day. Clean, crisp, and refreshing. He tried to sit still. He didn’t want to embarrass himself. It was nice, though, having a friend. A friend that lived next door at that. He was used to sitting alone on the bus, staying at home all evening, reading or watching TV. He didn’t have friends to go hang out with. He had never been cool. Now, probably the coolest girl at school was sitting next to him. He tried not to smile.
But he remembered he wanted to talk to her too. It took a few moments to get his lips going. It was amazing. He had talked to her all day and now she was sitting next to him of her own will, and for some reason he was having trouble talking to her. Maybe this was why he didn’t have friends.
“Hey Abie, I wanted to ask you something?”
“Yeah?”
“About your hair. Why do you keep it like that? Isn’t it obvious to anyone looking for you?”
“Shh!”
“I’m sorry,” Daniel said. “I think it’s really cool. It’s just very noticeable too. The cat ma-“
“I said shut up!”
Abie elbowed him and gave him a warning look with her eyes. Now he felt stupid. She wasn’t his friend. She just needed him, and he had seen what she could do. It was a relationship of convenience. Daniel dropped his eyes to the floor of the bus and kept quiet. Fine, he’d help her out with the cat man and then never speak to her again. It was better that way. He just wasn’t cool enough to be friends with someone like her.
He lost track of where they were when Abie elbowed him again and stood up. He looked around in confusion. They weren’t home yet, were they? Abie bent down and grabbed his elbow, pulling him up.
“We’re home, let’s go.”
He followed her off the bus and was about to go to his own house when Abie called after him.
“Daniel. Where are you going?”
He turned to look at her and motioned to his house. “Home.”
“We need to figure out how we’re going to catch this guy,” Abie said. “Come inside with me, okay?”
“Sure.”
She led him to her front door and stopped.
“Let me make sure no one is home, okay? After this morning my dad is probably a little on edge.”
“Sure.”
Abie disappeared into the house and returned a few minutes later.
“We’re clear, come on.”
Daniel followed her in and up the stairs. Her room was on the right with a window facing his. He took a look around the room, curious about how a girl as cool as her would decorate. He saw a few posters for bands he hadn’t heard of. There was a dresser, a little chair in the corner next to a bookshelf, a television sitting opposite the bed, and a hamper with dirty clothes in it. But then he noticed the pictures. They were quite a collection. Apart from the posters, most of the wall space was covered in pictures. Some were framed, but a lot were just pinned to the wall. Some were painted and others were photographs. The painted ones seemed to come in two varieties; framed and unframed. The framed ones looked professional. He wasn’t sure if they were prints or originals. The unframed ones looked like Abie had done them. They were all in the same style and all were signed, on closer inspection, by “Abie”. The startling thing was that they were all birds.
“You like them?” she asked.
“You did some of these yourself.”
“Yeah, before we moved we had one of the bedrooms set up as a studio. My dad didn’t let me go out much, so I’d paint.”
“Only birds?”
“I’ve tried other things, but birds are my favorite. You can probably see why.”
In spite of himself, Daniel was interested. This was an amazing collection.
“You got all this set up overnight? You’ve barely moved in.”
“I know.” Abie blushed a little. “The pictures help me calm down. My parents move me around a lot. Since they found out that I could turn into a bird they’ve been protective. The last city we lived in we stayed too long. Dad thinks that’s why the cat man came after me. If we had moved earlier, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“That must be rough, having to run all the time.”
“It is. I never stay anywhere long enough to really make friends. I put the pictures up as soon as I get somewhere so I can at least have something that’s familiar. It’s almost like my shrine.”
“I wanted to ask,” Daniel began.
“The hair,” Abie said, cutting him off. “Why do I keep it like this?”
“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry I was rude to you on the bus. It’s just that I never know who I can trust. I didn’t want everyone to hear.”
“Oh. So, why do you keep it like that?”
“I don’t have any choice. I’ve tried to dye it. The color never sticks. I’ve cut it short so it won’t be as noticeable, but it grows back overnight. It’s just the way I am, I guess, the way I was meant to be.”
“What happens now?”
“We put the collar on the cat man, call animal control, and let what else happens, happen.”
“But how do we find him? He ran away.”

“He’ll be back,” Abie said. “If he found me this fast, he’ll come back. What we need to do is bait him. Get him to come to us when we want him to.”
“If he sees me again, he’ll just run away.”
“I know, so you’ll have to hide.”
“And you’ll just sit in plain sight?”
“Yep.”
“I guess that’s okay,” Daniel said. “If attacks you when you’re in your human shape, he won’t be able to hurt you.”
“That won’t work. He doesn’t want the girl, he wants the bird. I have to be a bird.”
“No, I don’t like that. You won’t be safe. I saw what he did to your shoulder. He could kill you.”
“If I do nothing, he’ll kill me eventually,” Abie said. “You’ll just have to rescue me in time.”
Daniel sighed. He didn’t like this, but he didn’t have much choice in the matter.
***
Daniel and Abie spent the next hour or so planning what they would do. Eventually they came up with a plan they thought just might work. First, they had to get rid of Abie’s parents, and if they could, Daniel’s as well. If the cat man came by when her parents were home, they’d just chase him off.
It was Abie that remembered that their school was having a parent-teacher open house the next night. It was a chance for parents to be able to meet their children’s teachers, without the children being present. It would get both sets of parents out of the house for a few hours. But they had to convince Abie’s parents to go.
Daniel stayed until her parents got home so they could convince them to go.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Abie’s father said. “We just moved in.”
“But Daniel and I could hang out,” Abie said. “We’d be okay together.”
“I don’t know. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just met your friend this morning.”
“But I know him. He’s safe. He even found that poor old woman’s cat this afternoon.”
“Cat? What cat?”

“The one I tripped over,” Daniel supplied. “I didn’t realize it at the time, but it belongs to a woman down the street. It was still around when I got home from school, so I took it to her.”
“What kind of cat was it?”
“A Persian,” Daniel said. “A white one.”
“Oh,” Abie’s father said. “Well, I suppose the two of you can hang out this evening. Just stay in doors, okay? I don’t want you going out alone.”

“Sure,” Abie said. “We’ll have a good time.”
***
As soon as Abie’s parents were on their way to the school they put their plan into action. Abie turned into her bird shape and sat on the windowsill. Daniel went back to his house and hid behind the bushes around his porch. It was, after all, a great hiding place. As soon as he was in place, Abie flew from the window and did some circles around the yard. She made sure not to go too far.
After a few minutes she started to sing. It was odd for Daniel to hear her. It wasn’t really the sound of any bird he had heard before, but then Abie wasn’t like any girl he knew either. She continued her song a moment longer, then landed. It was the signal.
Daniel peered through the branches of the bush, pulling one aside to get a better view. The sun was low in the sky, but there was enough light to see by. He saw the cat at the edge of the lawn. It was crouched down, watching Abie.
Abie was doing her part right. She was poking around the yard with her beak, not paying any attention to the cat. It started to creep forward, inch by inch, in grass that hadn’t been mowed in a few weeks. Daniel started to move. He crept around the bushes and went around the other side of his house, the part not facing Abie. Once out of view, he ran as fast as he could to get to the other side. The cat was halfway across the yard and Abie seemed oblivious to the fact that a great cat was bearing down on her. All part of the plan, of course.
Daniel was behind the cat, now. He started to move in behind it, moving as quietly as he could. Abie chirped twice to indicate that she saw the cat. She kept poking about in the dirt, not making any move to escape. The cat was only a few feet away from her. It stopped moving and crouched lower. It was getting ready to pounce. What happened next, no one could have anticipated. Abie’s job was to play the bait, but she had done it too well.
From the other side of Abie, a black cat jumped at her and struck. It latched its teeth onto her back. Daniel felt a thrill of terror wash over him.
“No!”
He jumped from where he was and came at the black cat. It scattered immediately, but the cat man was off too. In its panic it actually ran towards Daniel. He had only a moment to decide. Grab the cat or help Abie. He went for the cat. He knew he might not have another chance. He just hoped Abie was okay.
He grabbed the cat man across the neck, knowing that if he held on the cat wouldn’t be able to switch back to a man. The cat twisted and clawed and bit but Daniel held on. His hand and arms bled slightly from the cuts inflicted by the cat, but he knew he could handle it. He was better off than Abie.
For a moment the cat slipped free. Instead of trying to escape, though, it launched itself at Abie. That wasn’t rational. The cat man must have spent too much time as a cat and was starting to think like one, instead of thinking like a human.
Daniel grabbed the cat again, but couldn’t get a good grip on it this time. He knew that if the cat switched back to his human shape, he’d get away. Daniel couldn’t stop a full grown adult and the police would never believe their story.
With the cat laying the way it was, Daniel couldn’t grab him and every second that ticked by, the cat could change. Finally he just reached back and punched the cat in the face. He couldn’t believe he’d done it. It was a cat after all. How could you punch a cat? The cat seemed to be thinking the same thing because it stopped struggling and stared stupidly into space. Daniel took advantage, grabbed the cat by the neck again, and positioned his legs on either side to keep it from running away. He pulled the metal collar from his pocket and put it around the cat’s neck. It struggled, but not enough to get away. From his other pocket he pulled the rivet gun and fastened the collar on. That was it, the cat was stuck.
Daniel fell to his side, taking deep breaths to steady himself. He realized, then, what he had forgot. Abie. He searched through the grass for her, hoping he hadn’t crushed her in the struggle to get the collar on the cat man. While searching, the now stuck cat man ran off.
Daniel found Abie sitting a few feet away, blood trickling down her back. He reached out to her and touched her feathers where the black cat had struck. As soon he touched her, she changed back to human form. She arched her back and screamed out in pain.
“Help me, Daniel,” she said. “Get me inside.”

“We need to call an ambulance.”

“No! Just get me inside.”
***
Getting Abie inside was harder than Daniel thought it would be. He had to half carry, half drag her in the door and up her steps, being careful not to touch her back where she had been injured. He thought about asking her to change back into a bird to make it easier on him, but decided it was best not to. It was quite possible that the change took a lot of energy and would weaken her further.
Once inside Abie’s room he helped her to the bed and she collapsed on her stomach. For the first time Daniel got a good look at her injury. There were four gaping holes in her back. Two in the middle, two at the bottom. Daniel was breathless.
“How…,” he began. “It looks like you were bit by a tiger.”
“I was!” Abie moaned. “To a bird, a cat is just as big.”
“What do I do? We should get your parents.”
“No! We took care of the cat man. If we tell them now, I’ll just have to move again.”
“But you’re really hurt. Besides, you just moved here. It’s not like you’d be losing anything.”
Abie turned her head to face him, gasping with the effort.
“I’d lose you, Daniel. You’ve been a good friend.”
Daniel’s mouth opened and shut. He didn’t realize how close they’d come in just a few days. Okay, she was his friend. How weird was that?
“What do I need to do?” he asked, his voice much calmer this time.
“There’s some alcohol in the bathroom. Get that and some clean towels. There’s also some gauze and medical tape. Bring that too.”
“Alcohol? That’s going to hurt like…”

“I know. But you have to clean the wound. An infection can kill me just as easy as a cat.”
“Okay.”
Daniel rushed into the bathroom and started opening cabinets. He knocked things over trying to find what he needed, but barely noticed. His male instincts had kicked in. Guys weren’t the best when it came to emotions, but they were problem solvers. In a moment he was back in the room. Abie had taken her shirt off and was lying facedown on the bed. Daniel tried not to notice the color of her bra.
“Now what?”
“Pour some of the alcohol on a towel and wash the wounds out. The alcohol will make them bleed a little more, but that’s okay.”
“Got it.”

“Oh and Daniel?” Abie turned her head to look at him again.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t stop cleaning no matter what I say. This is really going to hurt.” He heard a tremble in her voice. “It’s best to get it over with in a hurry. Like pulling off a band aid.”
“Right.”
Daniel readied the towel and pushed it onto the top puncture wound. Abie’s back stiffened and she dug her hands into her sheets. He kept going. He poured more alcohol onto a clean part of the towel and moved to the second wound. He could see that the first one was bleeding again. Obeying Abie’s command, he didn’t stop. By the time he got to the third wound she was writhing on the bed and pulling away from his touch. He didn’t let that stop him. He shoved the alcohol soaked towel onto the wound and massaged it. Abie screamed.
“Stop! Just give me a moment.”
“It’s just one more,” Daniel said, readying the last clean corner of the towel. “It’ll be over in a minute.”
“No more. It hurts too much.”
Daniel ignored her and cleaned the last wound.
“That’s it,” he said. “It’s over.”
Abie, breathing hard, shoved her head into a pillow. In a few moments she calmed down.
“Thank you,” she said.
“Sure.”
Blood from the now clean wounds was trickling down her sides and onto her sheets. Daniel took a second towel and started to mop up the blood so he could put on the gauze.
“I’ve never used this stuff,” Daniel said. “Is there any special way I should put it on?”
“Just fold it so it covers the wound, then tape it on.”
“These holes are kind of big. Maybe you need stitches.”
“No chance. Just tape it on. It’ll heal.”
“Okay.”
After several more minutes Daniel finished patching up Abie’s wounds. It didn’t look pretty, but it was done. Abie stood up and Daniel quickly turned around. He heard her rummaging around in a drawer for a moment.
“You can turn around now, Prince Charming.”
Abie had put on a new shirt and sat back on the bed.
“I just didn’t want to look.”
“Yeah you did,” Abie said, smiling. “Every guy your age wants to look at a girl with her shirt off. Thanks for not doing it though.”
“No problem.”
Abie gave him a considering look.
“What?” he asked.
“You’re pretty strange, you know. Not many people would put themselves on the line for someone else. Why did you?”
“It was the right thing to do.”
“That’s not an answer,” she said. “People don’t just do things because ‘it’s the right thing to do.’ If they did, the world would be much better.”
“Okay, I did it because I like you.”
“You just met me. You couldn’t like me. Besides, I’m not a great person. People like you and people like me don’t get along.”
“We could,” Daniel said. “If we don’t prejudge each other. I think that’s why people like us don’t get along. We look at the other and think, ‘we couldn’t possibly get along, so why bother?’”
“You might be right. Anyway, let’s get these bloody towels and sheets in the wash before my parents come home.”

Daniel picked up the towels while Abie grabbed the sheets from her bed. They took them to the basement and threw them in the washer, adding much more detergent than called for.
“There’s one thing I haven’t sorted out yet,” Abie said.
“Oh?”
“I can’t believe you punched that cat!”

“I know! I felt so bad. I mean, I know it was really a man trying to kill you, but how do you punch a cat? I’m going to feel bad about that for a while.”
Abie put her arm around his shoulders.
“It’s okay,” she said. “Maybe you’re more of a dog person.”
“No,” he said with a smile. “I think I’m more of a bird person.”

And the winner is...Emily!

2008-04-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

Emily won our game of find the smell. Her prize was a can of used
grease that had started to mold.

In other news, I fixed our bed and planted our bushes. Why can't a
day off ever be one of leisure? I swear, I miss that whole "day of
rest" idea.

And here's a picture of our winner:

Not a really fun game

2008-04-01T23:29:00.000-05:00

There's a fun game my wife and I tried tonight. It's called, "Find
the Smell". It's a game that, if you win, it means you just stuck
your face in something nasty. If you lose, it means you get to play
the game again tomorrow. Tonight, there were no winners.

Sent from my iPhone

My mouth is funky

2008-03-31T20:50:00.002-05:00

Something you should know about me is that I snore. A lot. And loudly. I've done it all my life, even when I was thinner. My mother has said that every once in a while I stop breathiong in my sleep, which can be, apparently, a big deal (though why she never dragged me to the doctor before, I don't know).

Now, the snoring isn't a huge problem to me (though Em has to deal with it), but the complications that arrise are. I don't sleep well. I toss, I turn, I wake often, and I just feel wiped out most days. I think I'd get a lot more done on a personal scale if it weren't for the way I sleep (or don't sleep).

So I went to see an otolaryngologist (ENT doctor, but much more fun to say my way) today to ask about a procedure called the pillar procedure that promises to help mild sleep apnea. According to the doctor, I ain't mild. My pallet (the upper part of the mouth, by which that ball things hangs on) is low, my tongue is too high in the mouth, and my tonsils are large for someone my age. Sigh.

Oh, and guess how the doctor saw that my tonsils were abnormally large? He stuck a scope up my nose which curled down into my throat. It didn't hurt, but it was weird. He did give me some numbing stuff first, which had some side affects that were not realized until later. Not only did it numb my nose, it also numbed my gums, and my top row of teeth. So here I am, driving home, tapping and clicking my teeth because they're numb. I wonder if people ever look at me when I'm driving.

They'll schedule a sleep study for me and I'll probably get one of those stupid masks for at least a month before we consider other options. And by other, I mean surgery. If the surgery will help free me from sleep apnea, and more importantly, keep me from wearing a dorky mask, I'll consider it. But if I do get a mask, I'm painting it black so I look like Darth Vader ("Emily, I am your father!")

Either way, I have to be humble about this. If I don't treat my apnea, I'll continue to be exhausted much of the time, and in time it can have serious consequences on my health, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, and the gum disease gingivitus. Okay, at least one of those isn't true.